Literary Wives #35

An American Marriage 

by Tayari Jones

I selected the "Georgia" font for this review since Roy's pet name for Celestial was "Georgia"!

This book was an Oprah Book Club selection for 2018 and 

Oprah is supposedly going to make a movie based upon this novel. 

I can imagine this translating well to the big screen.

Here is the NPR interview with Karen Grigsby Bates and Tayari Jones.

There are also many reviews out there to read...

What was my opinion of this book? 

Well...Tayari Jones is now on my 

Goodreads "absolute favorite authors" shelf! 

Wow. This woman can write. 

I read this book basically in one day. 

But don't let that fool you! 

It read quickly, but was enthralling 

and the complexity of the characters and their 

intertwined lives were revealed in a straightforward 

easily understood manner. 

There are not many authors capable of writing this way, 

in my opinion.

I own a copy of Silver Sparrow and am anxious 

to read it now.

I venture to say I would never hesitate 

to read a book written by Tayari Jones. 

In reading about some of her upcoming events, 

I see she will be in Nashville, Tennessee on October 14th "in conversation with Celeste Ng" who wrote Little Fires Everywhere and Everything I Never Told You. 

I read and adored the latter but have yet to read her newest release, Little Fires Everywhere.

This is the Southern Festival of Books: A Celebration of the Written Word 

in Nashville, Tennessee. It is the 30th year for this annual event.

If only I had the time and money... It is notable this event is free!

Ah...but I digress...

The first of the three main characters we encounter is Roy. It is Roy who endures the most horrific of life events: unfairly arrested, charged with a crime, convicted, and incarcerated. Oh, if only that never occurred in our society! It is one of the injustices that always makes my heart stop and my eyes tear up. I never ever will forget reading Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson. Bryan is the founder of Equal Justice Initiative in Montgomery, Alabama. This man is an absolute hero. Truly. A. Hero. No question. Again, I end up asking myself how humans can be so inhumane to other humans. I do not understand. Nor do I subscribe. But back to Roy...

I realized the irony of reading this particular book during the Kavanaugh/Ford controversy playing out in our nation's capitol. Though Roy's accuser believed her attacker was him and the room was completely dark, etc., so she was unable to truly see the man to recognize him or not. Whereas Ford knew her attacker and his accomplice very well. 'Nuff said. 

I loved Roy's admission of the help he received to get where he was as an adult:

All my life I have been helped by leg-up programs--Head Start when I was five and Upward Bound all the way through. If I ever have kids, they will be able to pedal through life 

without training wheels, but I like to give credit where it is due. (4)

Ah, that phrase "pedal through life without training wheels," isn't that a beautifully apt  analogy? I immediately thought of Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis by J.D. Vance. Whereas Vance mentions the various social programs by which he advanced himself out of the poor Appalachian culture to which he was born, he fails to give them their "due" or note appreciation for them, rather crediting only himself. (At least that was my interpretation of his story.) And at the end of his book he berates such helpful programs, but offers absolutely no alternatives... In my head I was saying, "He makes an excellent representative of the current Republican party--all negativity and criticism, but no thought of alternatives." That accomplishes exactly zero. No improvement. I appreciated Roy's character citing his appreciation and giving credit to the social programs that helped him. Of course, I credit Jones for her insight...

Atlanta is where I learned the rules and learned them quick. No one ever called me stupid.

But home isn't where you land, home is where you launch. 

You can't pick your home any more than you can choose your family. In poker, you get five cards. 

Three of them you can swap out, but two are yours to keep: family and native land....

I'm not talking bad about Eloe... For one, Eloe may be in Louisiana, not a state brimming with opportunity, but it is located in America, and if you're going to be black and struggling, 

the United States is probably the best place to do it. (4)

Upon reading this passage, I sighed to myself and thought, that's probably correct, even given today's current social and cultural regress that seems to have occurred. Though I feel for black males--this is not a fair world for them. Or for any non-white, especially males. Just look at the prison population. The amount of non-white folks jailed for drug violations. Yet drug usage among white folks is estimated to be a much higher percentage than that for non-white minorities. Something just doesn't add up. 

I loved Roy's story about a date who pulled a gun on him in the middle of an Urban League Gala! She "flashed it inside her purse under the table" and stated that she knew Roy was cheating on her with "some chick from the Black Bar Association." I had to shake my head and laugh at that one. "Little Roy" continues to tell his Daddy, Big Roy, about how he had "lost his touch with the ladies for a minute" after that. No kidding! Ya think?!? ;) Big Roy's response?

"You don't want no woman that brandished a firearm, son."

I tried to explain that what made it remarkable was the contrast between the streetness of the pistol and the glitter of the evening. Besides: "She was playing, Daddy." 

Big Roy nodded and sucked the foam from his glass of beer. 

"If that's how she plays, what's going to happen when she gets mad?" (6)

Yep! Dad's definitely got a valid point there! :) 

I especially appreciated Jones' notation that 

White people say, "It beats digging a ditch"; black people say, "It beats picking cotton." (8)

There is a distinct difference... In thinking of raising children, Roy states

I'm not going to remind my kids that somebody died in order for me to do everyday things. (8)

Then Celestial promises

...she will never say that they have to be twice as good to get half as much. "Even if it's true"... (8)

I think I tried to convince my children of this last bit just simply because we were so poor when they were young. Though as with most, I don't believe they realized it until they got to school... They spent their youth fairly isolated in the country, which helped. 

Roy describes Celestial:

She was the perfect balance in a woman, not a button-down corporate type, 

but she wore her pedigree like the gloss on a patent-leather shoe. 

In addition, she popped like an artist, without veering into crazy. 

In other words, there was no pink pistol in her purse, but there was no shortage of passion either.     Celestial liked to go her own way and you could tell that from looking at her...

Even before you knew she was a genius with needle and thread, 

you could tell you were dealing with a unique individual. (8)

Roy works so that Celestial can stay home and build her business making dolls. Yep! She eventually makes a living making dolls! As they discuss this with Roy's mother and Daddy, Olive (Roy's mother) cannot believe people would pay $5,000 for a doll. "I guess that's why God invented white folks." I had to laugh at that! 

At one point, Roy realizes he has 'misspoken'. :)

If you have a woman, you recognize when you have said the wrong thing. 

Somehow she arranges the ions in the air and you can't breathe as well. (16)

That prompted another laugh from me! 

We are here to answer the Literary Wives question:

What does this book say about wives or about the experience of being a wife?

Please make sure you read 

the other hosting bloggers' reviews:

Emily of The Bookshelf of Emily J

Naomi of Consumed by Ink

Kay of whatmeread
Eva of The Paperback Princess

I thought this book had much to say about 

"being a wife"!

Little Roy is sentenced to 12 years for rape. He is totally innocent and was with Celestial. But he ends up serving 5 years until Celestial's uncle finally convinces a federal court to reverse his conviction and release him from prison. However, after three years, Celestial stops writing and visiting Roy. This coincides with Olive's death. Little Roy's mother died from cancer when he had been incarcerated for three years. Big Roy remains at the cemetery and personally shovels all the dirt into the hole himself, covering his wife's casket.

Celestial sighed. You'll never see anything like that again, no matter how long you live."...

"Roy has been away so long." she whispered. "I've done everything I'm supposed to do. 

I haven't thought about any other man, let alone touched one. 

But when I look at Mr. Roy out there, at his wife's grave, I feel like I've been playing at marriage.
    That I don't know what it is to be committed." (153)

She is tired and wants to live her life. She and Andre/"Dre" have been best friends since they were 3 months old bathing in the sink together, and have been next-door neighbors throughout their lives. They end up as a couple during those last two years of Roy's incarceration and Dre buys her a ring and asks her to marry him. But Celestial no longer believes in the whole idea of marriage, stating that 

"Till death do us part" is unreasonable, a recipe for failure.

I asked her, "So what do you believe in?"

She said, "I believe in communion."

As for me, I'm modern and traditional at the same time. I, too, believe in intimacy--who doesn't? 
But I also believe in commitment. (105)

But as much as I could understand Roy's opinion that Celestial should remain faithful and wait for him, she eventually cannot hold out any longer and needs to live her life. And, it's not as if Roy had been absolutely faithful during their brief 18 months together as husband and wife. Celestial discovered a note with a woman's name and number written on it, as well as a receipt for two pieces of lingerie when Roy had gifted her only one of those. But I believe Roy felt that was no big deal. He admits to having been a real ladies' man while single. As I have mentioned before I will never understand why a man refuses to keep his pants zipped and remain faithful. Sheesh!  I did feel Dre was being a bit hypocritical in that he was screwing his best friend's wife but insisting upon "commitment" from her in their own relationship. What?!? Yep! Some irony there, huh?

And although Celestial's parents appeared to be totally devoted to each other, her father had  his own questionable beginning with Gloria. He was married at the time he started a relationship with her. He didn't reveal that to her until they had been dating for a month! She was his mistress for three years! It took him a long time to win her over before she would agree to marry him, but once they were married they were seemingly committed to each other.

So being a wife is what each female makes of it. Though Celestial and Roy seemed to fight quite often, at least in my opinion, she was trying to be a committed and sincere partner to her husband, though she did call him on his missteps. By refusing to marry Dre she was refusing to feel that sense of commitment again. It was overwhelming to her, and unattainable given the extreme situation in which she had found herself while married to Roy. I could understand that. Roy's parents appeared to be totally devoted to each other as well as totally devoted and committed to Roy as their son. And though Celestial's mother and father perhaps had a rather questionable start to their relationship with her being the mistress for the first three years until he was once again single, they had remained together for many years. I believe Jones was realistic in revealing that each individual makes of their marriage/parental role in life what works for them. It isn't the same for any two people. Being a wife, being a husband, being a father, being a mother--each individual serves in these roles differently. 

Perhaps more than the idea of being a "wife," I found both Little Roy and Dre's relationship with their Daddy to be fascinating. Dre's mother and father had divorced when he was a young child and his Daddy ended up marrying someone else and starting another family, fathering two children with his second wife. And he stayed around and raised those children, whereas he had abandoned Dre. His Daddy did at least pay for Dre to attend college, though he had not paid child support through the years. Dre ended up going to his father as a young adult and establishing some semblance of a relationship. 

I don't believe that blood makes a family, kin is the circle you create, hands held tight. 

There is something to shared genetics, but the question is, what exactly is that something? 

It matters that I didn't grow up with my father. It's kind of like having one leg that's a half inch shorter than the other. You can walk, but there will be a dip. (193)

I teared up at this passage. Having never even met my biological father and never having had a step-father, I can so relate. I have ALWAYS felt "incomplete." And my life has felt "incomplete" in many ways. I sometimes wonder if my rather extreme independent attitude  as a female is hard-wired in me or if it developed as a result of needing to fill that lack...of something missing in my life. Just a thought...

Little Roy discovers that Big Roy is not his biological father after all. His mother had legally changed Roy's name, though she retained his biological father's name as his middle name: Roy Onithal. (Onithal...what a name, eh?) Big Roy did everything in his power to be a real father to Little Roy. And Little Roy realizes that his true father is Big Roy; the one who cared for him in every way possible, even giving him his name. But of all the ironies, once he is incarcerated he eventually discovers that his cell mate is actually his biological father who paid a high price for him to be transferred to his cell so he could help Roy endure imprisonment. His biological father has abandoned more women than just his own mother once they became pregnant. Interestingly, Celestial is pregnant, from the last time she and Roy were together the night of his arrest, and he realizes that in his own way he abandoned his own child before s/he was born by indicating he didn't care what Celestial did and agreeing with her idea to abort the baby. (We learn this was not the first time Celestial underwent an abortion. Though her first pregnancy was under quite different circumstances--with a married man as the father.) 

As I composed this review I realized that each and every character was much more flawed than I had realized while reading the book. Tayari Jones stated that her goal was for people to not be able to feel they could relate more to any one character than another. I did feel that way at the end. I could relate to each character to a certain degree, but not any one more than the others. 

 If you've read this book, what was your reaction?

Join us on December 3rd as we review The Stars Are Fire by Anita Shreve.

Happy reading!

--Lynn

Literary Wives #34

   

First Love by Gwendoline Riley

I admit to being mostly bored by this novel.

I am glad it was short, though I had to force myself

to finish reading it and I admit the last half went 

much more quickly for me than the first half. 

There is little to no plot and very little action, 

and while I typically read for characterization 

and enjoy books describing relationships, 

I just didn't connect with these characters. 

Perhaps I wasn't in the mood to read about 

another totally dysfunctional and dissatisfying marriage relationship? Or perhaps it hit a bit too close 

to home for me, having experienced 

 a rather similar long-term relationship... 

Perhaps a combination of these reasons and more? 

I don't know. 

I would say this was a rather bleak read overall for me.

I did feel sympathy/empathy for Neve. I don't believe she had any idea what she really wanted out of life nor did she appear to have much motivation to change her life. And from what little is revealed of her family life as a child, this was, perhaps, understandable. Neve, her brother, and her mother, were all scared of her father. There wasn't much detailed description of his specific actions (at least that I can recall), but he was evidently at least physically abusive. Neve's brother quit visiting their father at age fifteen when his father punched him in the face. Though Neve was expected to continue visiting for another year to "keep the peace," according to her mother. It was during this time that her father commented to his friend, Con, 

 Women just aren't naturally clean, are they? (43)

I only note this quote because Edwyn seemed obsessed with criticizing Neve about her lack of cleanliness. He just continued where her father had left off. :( As a young adult, she finally informed her father she was no longer interested in a relationship with him. I totally understood and agreed with her, but isn't it sad that he didn't love her enough to try to get along with his own daughter? 

Her mother was apparently the queen of landing herself in abusive relationships with men. She appeared to be quite the 'flake,' in my opinion, and definitely very little positive influence upon Neve, but rather a role model of mostly negative characteristics and behaviors. She could not understand all the fuss regarding sexual assult: 

Back in the seventies every girl was gripped, groped and raped, said she, lifting her chin,

her accent getting coarser... I was raped, when I was university, I was more or less raped in

Liverpool when I first moved back. It didn't ruin my life. Why do they always have to say, 

Ooh, it ruined my life? And everything I went through with your father, I mean, 

if that didn't ruin my life, why are they saying their lives are ruined? (87)

Having been a teenage female in the seventies, I could rather understand this mindset, though unlike Neve's mother, I am thrilled to see those who assault others over whom they have power held accountable for their crimes. (Too bad this doesn't seem to be the case for our current POTUS...)

Of her parents Neve comments...

Time doesn't help. You forget, for years, even, but it's still there. A zone of feeling. A cold shade.

I barely drink now, but when I do, sometimes I see so clearly how nothing's changed. 

Not one thing. About who I am and what I am. I don't have to be drunk. 

When I least expect it, my instincts are squalid, my reactions are squalid, vengeful. 

And for what? What am I so outraged by?...My parents were hopeless. And?

Helpless, as we all are. Life is appalling. My father ate himself to death. Isn't that enough? (121)

I do agree. We are all helpless in different areas and to varying degrees. But I can also commiserate with her inability to 'let it go' sometimes. Especially with regard to our parents. A meme I saw the other day:

Adulthood: the years spent getting over your childhood!

Neve does admit to having spent fifteen years drinking until she vomited and/or passed out very often. Awaking in a strange place with a 'stranger' or in her own bed/bedroom with a stranger. She definitely did have a "drinking problem" prior to moving in with and marrying Edwyn. I really wanted to know exactly how they met, but unless I missed it, that information was never given.

Edwyn, Neve's husband, definitely exhibited passive/agressive and verbally abusive behaviors. I personally felt he could basically be diagnosed with a mental illness. He mentions several times that he is constantly "in pain" and has a heart condition, having suffered a heart attack in the past. However, I felt he was using this as an excuse for his behavior and/or to evoke sympathy from Neve. He kept haranguing to Neve about the one night (Not the first of more-than-one night, but the only ONE!) she got very drunk and evidently vomited in virtually every room of the house once they arrived home. The descriptions of his physical maneuvering of her body during that night indicated he had basically tossed her body around with little regard to her drunken condition or safety. I always felt as if physical abuse was a definite possibility when he would become cantankerous and uncooperative. Edwyn used criticism and derogatory descriptors (e.g. "cunt"-a word which I personally abhor) to abuse Neve. I think what bothered me most about him was the randomness of such tirades, much as one who would physically abuse the other person. Much like her own mother had always done with their father, initially in her marriage, Neve would "simper" and say anything to try to appease Edwyn, though many times it was impossible to do so. (Another behavior exhibited by physical abusers.) Though eventually Neve did learn not to apologize all the time and try so hard to appease--to respond less often. In considering her treatment of Edwyn, Neve rather regrets or perhaps feels a bit guilty about "managing him, in a way." 

Beyond bringing him out of himself, or my genuine interest; that I was maintaining this keen 

and appreciative front as a way to keep him calm, or to distract him. Like--I don't know--throwing

some sausages at a guard dog. This was someone I was supposed to be close to. 

And wouldn't he be horrified if he knew that was how I saw it? 

His scorn would finish us both, I was sure...I was very much without bearings, that first year. (109)

But then Neve also described times that Edwyn was particularly kind and caring in his physical and verbal treatment of her. For example, their pet names for each other: Mrs. Pusskins and Mrs. Pusskins. I admit I almost gagged when I read that! I might use "sweetie" or "honey," but that's the extent of my pet name vocabulary!  

The one thing that struck me in this relationship was Edwyn's insistence that Neve NOT kiss him. He didn't like to kiss and became especially angry at her for trying to initiate a kiss. Wow. This brought back memories of my first husband. I will never forget walking up to him one of the first days after I moved in with him and hugging and kissing him. He literally stumbled backward as if shocked, asking me, "What are you doing?" I replied, "I'm just hugging and kissing you!" He explained that he had NEVER had anyone just walk up to him at any time in his life and do that. Nor had he ever witnessed his own parents or anyone else doing that. I knew that was a sign...but was certain it would work out eventually. He would get used to it. And to his credit he did seem to. However, public display of affection was never allowed...though that didn't keep me from holding his hand or giving him a quick kiss or hug once in awhile in front of other people! :) Edwyn did not like to kiss, but at least he would cuddle, unlike my ex-husband who hated to cuddle. (Definitely some red flags there!) 

We do learn Edwyn is an only child. He founded a Nature Club at his school, but refused to allow other students to join as members, only as "helpers," stating that he couldn't "trust them." Aw...a bit of a control freak? I did chuckle at one of his "early romantic error[s]" when he "gave half an Easter egg each to the two girls in his class who liked him." He believed they would be thrilled, but "they didn't think much of that," and he "went from two girls to no girls!" 

Riley gives us some information regarding Neve's "first love," Michael, though not much. This reminded me somewhat of Dexter and Emma's relationship in One Day by David Nicholls as Neve and Michael were never feeling love for one another at the same time when they reconnected through the years. Unlike Dexter and Emma, Neve and Michael never did end up in a relationship. 

Interestingly, when Neve sees Michael off at King's Cross the last time they're together, she says 

I hunched my shoulders to push through [the streams of people] to the street. (67)

While at the end of the book, Neve and Edwyn walked together,

At Marble Arch, we said goodbye. I stood and watched him go, head down, rushing.

Oxford Street was so crowded. Edwyn hunched his shoulders, braced, dodged, 

and soon enough he disappeared. (166) 

I couldn't help but wonder if this meant he disappeared from Neve altogether, or just until his return. I felt she would be better off without him, though I believe much of her reason for remaining in the relationship was for her own financial security since she was a "writer," though I don't believe she had ever been published. 

Here is the New York Times review and The Guardian review. I believe Stuart Evers in The Guardian captured my reaction to this book moreso than did James Lasden in The New York Times. 

Now for the Literary Wives question: 

What does this book say about wives or about the experience of being a wife?  

Please make sure you read 

the other hosting bloggers' reviews:

Emily of The Bookshelf of Emily J

Naomi of Consumed by Ink

Kay of whatmeread

Eva of The Paperback Princess

It is not as if Neve had an example of a healthy long-term relationship during her childhood.  I still sympathize that Neve has fallen into the same trap as her mother did  with both of her marriages--dealing with an abuser. 

Edwyn makes it Neve's fault, no matter the circumstances:

What makes you think you can treat me like this, hm?

When I'm making the money, I'm paying the bills, I'm making your life possible. (128)

All I could think was--"Are you kidding me?!?" How archaic is that?!? He continues until he finally softens a bit,

You can't help it...I know you can't. Women are sexobsessed. I know it's all they think about. 

It's all they give a fuck about, really. (128)

All Neve can think is "If I [can] just talk him down..." But, of course, Edwyn is using his 'I'm in pain all the time' excuse for his overbearing obnoxious behavior. 

As Edwyn walks away at the end of the book I'm really hoping for Neve's sake that he 1) dies of another heart attack, 2) just never returns, 3) miraculously has a total change of behavior and no longer abuses Neve. 

At one point Edwyn describes how any relationship just goes to "shit" with time. He "blames himself." Neve was just "so sweet" and seemed to "want it so badly." Again...GAG! Ugh! Get over yourself, man! You are not such a great catch! 

But then when Neve returns from visiting her mother Edwyn says to her in bed:

I love you. Little one. Little Neve. I do. 

[Neve's reply]:

I could have been asleep. I let some peaceful seconds pass, before I said it back. I love you. (141)

I kept asking myself throughout this book: Are these few and far between good moments enough to offset all the other frustration dealing with Edwyn's abuse? 

I could particularly appreciate Neve's self-coaching regarding saving money so she could leave when he got nasty and

Stand up for yourself but don't waste your energy. This is your time and your energy. 

Don't try and 'manage' him. Be natural and let him be natural. That's what love is. 

No more cramped feelings, on either side. (146)

Aha! I would agree. I am happy to have found just such a relationship the second time around. We can both be ourselves and still love each other. No need to 'pretend' or 'act' differently than who we are. That, in my opinion, is a "good relationship." But I seriously doubt Neve is ever going to have such freedoms with Edwyn. She will always need to be alert to the need to "manage" him. And I feel sorry for her. Though I can relate to the fact that she does love him and wants it to work. Definitely not a win-win... Though it seems in the end that she begins to carve more time for herself into her life. She starts spending time with friends, etc. That has to be a good thing for her own mental health and well-being, though it would be interesting to know how well Edwyn handles her having a social life that doesn't include him... 

Have you read this book? 

What did you think of this marriage?

Join us on October 1st for An American Marriage by Tayari Jones!

I am really anxious to read this one!

Happy reading!

--Lynn