Literary Wives #51

 I'm Fine and Neither Are You
Camille Pagan

This is the 51st book read and reviewed for the Literary Wives online book discussion group! 

Check us out on Facebook and Twitter #LiteraryWives!

The Literary Wives virtual book club "meets" every third month/once per quarter 

to discuss a book with the word "wife" or "wives" in the title or 
a book that discusses marriage but whose title lacks either of these words. 

We are particularly interested in the way(s) in which wives are portrayed in literature. 
We try to answer this question:

What does this book say about wives 

or about the experience of being a wife?

Each of us extends our discussion into more specific areas we can 

personally relate to which makes for enlightening comparisons!

We read books across genres and hope to generate discussion about each title.

And...YOU can join us! 

That's right!

Literary Wives Has Openings! 

Some members have recently resigned and we will miss them!

We are anxious to recruit a few new members into the club!

If you are interested in becoming one of those, 

please let us know!

You can comment here 

or on one of the other cohost's blogs (listed below)

to inform us of your interest:

Noami of Consumed by Ink

                                             Kay of WHATMEREAD

You might ask...

What Does Literary Wives Membership Involve?

You only need to be a reader interested in 

discussing how literature depicts wives and marriage.

We read and review four books per year. 

You would need to post a review on your blog on 

the first Monday of March, June, September, and December.

That's it! 

And NOW is the time! 

Our next book review isn't until June 6, 2022,

and we are just beginning the book selection process for the next two years!

You would begin by reviewing our listing of books to be considered, 

then voting for your favorites to help compile a listing of the 8 top vote-getters!

This process is set to begin once we have some new members!

We wish to expand the Literary Wives club and hope you will join us! 

And now on to my review of I'm Fine and Neither Are You! 

As is typical for me, I knew little to nothing about this book before reading it. And I was blown away! I found it to be a very compelling read and as noted in my Goodreads review, found it to be the most realistic book I've read regarding marriage and was thrilled there was no depiction of yet another man/husband who refused to remain faithful to his wife/partner! (My disclaimer: I do not believe "marriage" or any other long-term relationship must include only one "male" and one "female." Any combination makes a couple, in my opinion! But for this discussion we are concentrating on this marriage between Penelope and Sanjay.)

I appreciated the fact that although these two people were from diverse backgrounds that aspect of their lives together was not emphasized. Pagán just wrote about this couple, noting Sanjay's Indian parents and background, but not making that the core of their story or relationship together. I felt this leant a more relatable and realistic emphasis on their marriage.

Penelope and Sanjay have two children, the younger, Miles at 6 years old, and the elder, Stevie (named for Sanjay's musical hero Stevie Ray Vaughn) at nearly 8 years of age. They have been married 11 years and stress is starting to erode their marriage relationship... At least for Penelope, the stress is becoming unbearable as she is the adult responsible for  everything: making sure they have toilet paper in the house as well as all other groceries, planning and preparing all meals, doing laundry, scheduling household repairs, coordinating their children's schedules and transportation, and earning the only consistently reliable income to support them all... Too much. Way too much... I should know. This was my life at 10 years of marriage as well. I could definitely relate to Penelope's feeling that she "wanted out" of this marriage. I could remember the same feeling...

Sanjay and Penelope met while working and living in New York and then after knowing each other for 10 years and having been together for 7 of those years. When Stevie was 6 months old, they are moving to the midwestern US so Sanjay can attend medical school. Penelope was reticent about his plan, feeling Sanjay was pursuing a medical career to please his parents rather than pursuing what truly interested him...which was writing and music. Writing about music, actually! 

They move and Penny begins working full-time in development for this midwestern university, making just enough to support her family, which now includes not one, but two children. Sanjay quit medical school after the first year and became a stay-at-home parent, though he accomplished little more in a day's time than caring for the children--no cleaning or laundry, etc., which still fell to Penny to do. Thank goodness she has a best friend, Jenny, whose presence makes it bearable for Penny to keep doing the day-to-day routine drudgery of work, kids, laundry, dishes, sleep, repeat... Though Penny discovers there is much about Jenny that she did not know...

Jenny's marriage and life appeared to be "pristine" in all ways, though the reality of her life was much different. Jenny suffered with endometriosis, requiring pain relievers. She was addicted to opioids. She and her husband, Matt, avoided each other as much as possible--their relationship was distant and flawed, at best. He chose to travel for his job at every opportunity and she immersed herself in an extremely successful blogging life. They had one child, Cecily, who was within two months of Miles' age. As is typical for most any survivors of a loved one's downfall, both Matt and Penny keep thinking of the "what-ifs" regarding Jenny's demise...what if they had done this differently or said this instead of that in the past and saved Jenny? I believe it is only natural to have such thoughts.

In the wake of Penelope's discoveries of Jenny's 'behind the scenes' traumatic life, she  decides that she must change her life so she can be less stressed out and happier or at least more relaxed and comfortable day in and day out with her family, work, and very little to no leisure time. Jenny's last text message to Penny read

If you're not happy, make a change. (80)

Penny realizes that although Jenny can no longer do this, she can. Sanjay agrees to her solution: each of them will present the other with a listing of three things they want the other to change about themselves in order to restore their marriage to a better place and make a more enjoyable, happier, home life for all four of them. And, the main caveat is that they must each be honest with the other person. Totally honest. As Sanjay states,

To be honest with you, Penny, I worry that too much honesty might be a bad idea. (91)

I admit to nodding my head in agreement as I read that sentence. After two 20+-year relationships I would agree that not every single thing needs to be honestly communicated to the other person at all times...

As Penelope thinks,

There was a reason that instead of daydreaming about my husband taking me passionately 

against a wall, I fantasized about replacing him with a wife. (61)

Let's just say that Sanjay was not keeping up with his role as the "stay-at-home parent" in many ways. Penelope was still doing all the housework, paying all the bills, doing all the grocery shopping and meal planning, etc. He was there for the children, but that was about it. She wants him to start doing more around the house, etc., since she is the only one working full-time outside the home. He readily agrees and follows through. 

He wants more sex. Admittedly, when Penelope thinks about it, they are rarely having sex/making love any more. And she realizes she misses it as well, though being stressed out every day and bone tired every night makes it difficult for her to even imagine it. But she does start trying...

Penny's second request of Sanjay is that he start making more financial contributions to the family, i.e. he get a job. Even a part-time job that would allow him more time to write would be a help. Fortunately, he immediately agrees that he has been "coasting" way too long and the financial burden and stress all falls unfairly on Penny. 

Penny's third request is that Sanjay actually "be there" when he "is there." Rather than not listening to and participating in family conversations/interactions, he should be an active participant. For her and the children, rather than looking at his phone or staring out the window, he should actively listen. Though this is a bit more difficult for Sanjay to envision, he eventually realizes she is correct, and adjusts accordingly. 

Sanjay's second request of Penny is to be more honest and quit trying to look as if she is "just fine" and nothing is wrong all the time. Of course, once she decides to finally stand up to the obnoxious 'barge in your house at any time' neighbor, Lorrie, is the one time her daughter, Olive, is with her and unfortunately, Penny yells at her,

"I'm going to need you to knock before coming into our house...

And when you knock, you are going to wait until Sanjay or I answers and asks you to enter. 

You cannot keep walking in like you live here, because it's terrifying. Okay?" (161)

And then,

[Olive] stood in front of me, teeth bared. "You're a mean lady!" she spat. "Mean!" (161)

After which Sanjay admits that maybe this wasn't exactly what he meant about being more honest... :)

In the end, this marriage is definitely strengthened though there were a few hitches along the way: Penny somewhat alienating Matt and Cecily due to her honest advocacy for Cecily's well-being, and Penny agonizing over Sanjay's confession that he quit the band due to an uncomfortable interest that one of his band mates, Christina (a female), appeared to have taken in him. Penny and Sanjay spend four days back in New York together and this helps them overcome some of the rigid routine of their married life once they return to the Midwest. Sanjay gets a full-time job and a literary agent, and he and Penelope are tackling life head-on as true partners. And, Sanjay helps reunite Penny with her estranged father as he begins battling stomach cancer. Since her mother had abandoned her family when Penny was young, her father had to be a single parent and his way of handling that was to travel all the time for work while Penny cared for her younger brother, Nick. This is one big reason Penny feels bound to advocate for Cecily in the wake of her mother's death. 

Pagán seems to advocate for a "wife" who is real and honest about her needs and desires. Though this does require a "husband" willing to listen and change. And for the "wife" to also listen and change. It should be compromise on both sides. I often used to tell my ex-husband that we needed to work on our relationship/marriage as the children grew up so that we would have a healthy relationship once we were empty-nesters. Little did I know he had no intention of remaining in a relationship with me, but I could definitely relate to Penelope's plight and I was very glad that Sanjay truly loved and respected her and was also willing to work on their relationship/marriage! 

I will definitely plan to read more of Pagán's writing. As a matter of fact, I would appreciate at least a sequel to this book. It would be interesting to see where Penelope and Sanjay end up after this...   

Literary Wives will return on June 6th with another review! Join us! 

Please check out the other co-hosts' reviews:

Noami of Consumed by Ink

Kay of WHATMEREAD

Happy reading!

~Lynn

Literary Wives #47

 Every Note Played by Lisa Genova

This is the 47th book read and reviewed for the Literary Wives online book discussion group! 

Check us out on Facebook and Twitter #LiteraryWives!

I have been totally out of it with regard to Literary Wives for quite some time now, 

but am determined to get back into this group on a regular basis. 

I have been reading the books but never getting a review posted.

As you can tell, I have neglected my blog for a very long time now. 

I also hope to remedy that and return to posting reviews much more routinely.

Please check out the other co-hosts' reviews:

Naomi of Consumed by Ink

Kay of whatmeread

Eva of The Paperback Princess

Lisa Genova is one of my all-time favorite authors and I have now read all five of her books.

I can highly recommend each and every one of them. 

Each book features a character enduring a neurological disease. 

In this book we meet Richard, a professional pianist diagnosed with ALS and we learn of the changes to his physical body as well as his distressed mental health. 

But there is so much more than that included in Genova's books. 

Her characters are complex and realistic and she includes many more issues than just the main character's diagnoses and physical/mental decline. 

With all of this, Genova's humor comes through to relieve any depressive edge.

Richard Evans first encounters Karina in Sherman Leiper's Techniques class at Curtis. It takes all semester before he finally has the courage to speak to her. He is enamored with her Polish accent. Karina was born in Zabrze, Poland and emigrated to the United States by herself before she was even 20 years old. Her piano teacher, Mr. Borowitz, taught all his students to play Chopin:

In Poland, Chopin is as revered as Pop John Paul II and God. Poland's Holy Trinity (p 9)

That did make me laugh! Karina lost no time in leaving home because she was determined to not have the same life as her mother--remaining in Zabrze, married to a coal miner, and trying to raise five children. As she states,

Raised under Russian oppression, she'd seen more than a lifetime's worth of weeping 

before she could tie her own shoes. (p 119)

While Richard is a well-known virtuoso worldwide, Karina gives piano lessons in her living room. Most of her students take piano lessons so they can add "plays piano" to their college applications. None of them are serious enough (nor evidently skilled enough) to pursue piano  beyond high school. Eventually we learn that Karina actually outshone Richard when they were students. Her piano playing was much more emotive than his. But then Karina discovered and became enamored with jazz and began concentrating on that rather than classical music, enabling Richard to be the 'best' classical pianist at Curtis. Meanwhile, Richard accepts a faculty position at the New England Conservatory of Music in Boston, so they leave New York City where Karina was beginning to play jazz in local clubs. She finds upon landing in Boston that there is no such live jazz there as in New York, wondering if Richard was already aware of that fact... After just two years as a faculty member, Richard's musicianship jumps to a new/higher level--he is playing with emotion and 'feels' the music as never before. He begins playing concert tours around the world and allows Karina to relocate them wherever she would like. She selects a Boston suburb where she raises Grace, their sole child, basically as a single parent since Richard travels constantly. 

Grace moves a thousand miles away for college and Grace is lonely. First, Richard leaves as their marriage dissolves and the divorce is finalized, and then her daughter.

She's forty-five and divorced. Single. In Poland, she'd be considered a disgrace. 

But she's been in America now for over half her life. 

Her situation is common in this secular culture and imposes no shame. Yet, she feels ashamed. 

You can take the girl out of Poland, but you can't take Poland out of the girl. (p 15)

While attending a high school graduation party for one of her students she learns from a mutual friend that Richard has been diagnosed with ALS and canceled the rest of his current concert tour.

And now for that Literary Wives question:

What does this book say about wives 

or about the experience of being a wife? 

I admired Karina's fortitude for suggesting and then following through with Richard's move back into 'their' house. She received the house free and clear in the divorce settlement and Richard moved to a fourth-floor walkup in an elite area complete with an exorbitant mortgage. Though she visited him upon learning of his diagnosis, to say the visit was a wasted effort is an understatement as it ends with her breaking a bottle of his expensive wine on the kitchen counter just before she walks out. 

Part of her believes she caused his illness, 

even though she knows that such thinking is narcisistically absurd. How many times has she wished him dead? 

Now he's dying, and she's a despicable, hellbound, horrible woman for ever wishing such a thing, and worse, for having derived sick pleasure from it. (p 26)

Eventually Richards ends up with three aides who care for him a total of 4 hours throughout each day. But he makes a rash decision one day to take a walk by himself once his arms are both paralyzed and hanging uselessly at his sides. Needless to say, he becomes very tired after just walking three blocks and sits on a park bench to rest. It is as he is trying to make it back home that the laxative administered to him that morning decides to work. He is desperate and uses his voice-activated cell phone to call his neighbors for help, neither of whom are home. When he decides to call the home healthcare company he inadvertently gets Karina, who just so happens to be in the city for a doctor's appointment and is only a mile or so away. It is in the aftermath of getting Richard cleaned up, etc., that she realizes he needs more care than he can afford since he can't work and he must sell his place for enough to cover the high mortgage he owes. It is then she realizes he must move "home" and she must care for him. His father nor either of his two brothers would or could take over his care, and unfortunately, his mother died when he was just 19 years old. In effect, she is "it." Karina makes room for him in the den. Though he doesn't particularly like the fact that the door to the den must be left open, 

...a lack of privacy traded for the ability to come and go without needing to call 

for Karina to come and open the door. Like letting the dog out. 

He's an animal in a cage. A pig in a pen. An ex-husband in the old den. (p 130)

Again, I had to laugh!

Richard was quite aware that moving Karina from New York to Boston would deprive her of further refining her jazz playing at live venues. But he did it anyway. Turns out, he vehemently despises jazz music. He considers it to be "noise." In effect, as with so many of the books we've read and reviewed, the wife abandons her dream to follow the husband wherever he wants to go to pursue his dream. And then, Richard keeps having affairs with other women while on the road. Though he keeps referring to what Karina did to ruin their marriage, it isn't until almost the end of the book that we learn she had purposefully deceived him about having more children following Grace's birth. She had an IUD implanted and when she wanted to have it removed 10 years later, discovered the procedure would require surgery, so she had to confess to Richard about her decade-long deception. It wasn't just bad luck that she had never gotten pregnant, she had planned for no more children although he wanted more. (Of course he did! It's not as if he would be home to help raise them or anything!) 

In the wake of the divorce, and while he was married,

Richard's relationships with women had about the same shelf life as a carton of milk. (p 53)

The one who stayed longest actually left not long after the ALS diagnosis. 

To everyone's disappointment, he's never been able to love a woman the way he loves the piano. 

Not even Karina. (p 53)

He loves women, appreciates them as much as any man, but ultimately they find themselves 

achingly hungry with him. And he refuses to feed them. 

His artistry for playing piano seduces them. His lack of artistry as a man is why they leave. (p 54)

Richard even admits to his daughter, Grace, that he did chose the piano over her. Therefore, he spent little time with her and really doesn't know her, nor does she know him. 

As chewing and swallowing become more difficult, ALS patients lose weight. His NP at the ALS clinic recommends "high-fat, high-density foods and liquids" to help stabilize his weight. He replies, "Everything my cardiologist recommends." Kathy then admits, "We're not going to worry about heart disease." Richard thinks to himself,

Right. A heart attack would be a blessing. (p 59)

Early on when Richard could still use his left hand, he held a note with the pedal and just listened to it until it was gone...

Every note played is a life and death. (p 50)

Although Richard and Karina are initially in love, eventually, they each find ways to hurt the other throughout the years of their marriage. I believe such things can and do happen in some long-term relationships. (Probably more so than we know...) Resentment grows and actions are taken regardless of the other person's wishes or needs. I believe Karina would have been perfectly happy to remain in New York playing jazz and childless. It was totally unfair and selfish for Richard to knowingly move her to an area where she would have little to no opportunity to play jazz. He was imposing his own musical preferences upon her and ruining her chance at a successful career. Then he not only carries on affairs with other women while still married, but even leaves proof where he knows Karina can and probably will discover it. She's right, he is a "prick"! 

Once Grace is born Karina then makes sure she doesn't get pregnant again, while pretending to Richard that they're just unable to conceive... She didn't want to be stuck raising five children as he mother had done...

Although it was not fair of Karina to keep the birth control a secret, IMO, Richard deceived her first and foremost by moving her away from the New York jazz scene and then defying his marriage vows by screwing around with other women. Neither of them is without fault, but I believe Richard is much more to blame for the alienation and eventual divorce. 

Have you read this one? If so, what were your thoughts?

Feel free to comment below!

Join us on Monday, June 7th as we review 

Monogamy by Sue Miller

Literary Wives #43

War of the Wives by Tamar Cohen

Welcome to the 43rd "wifely" book review for the Literary Wives online discussion group!

#LiteraryWives

Check out our Facebook page!

And PLEASE, if this interests you, 

read with us and participate in the discussions!

You can post your own review and link it to the FB page and any or all of our blogs!

Or just comment right along with us!

Please make sure you read 

the other hosting bloggers' reviews:

Naomi of Consumed by Ink

Kay of whatmeread
Eva of The Paperback Princess

I am interested as to others' reactions to this book.
I found it to be extremely compelling. 
I literally read it in one day. I simply could not put it down. 
I did not remember this was a mystery...but...bonus! :)
I not only found the mystery compelling, but the characters and their interactions were just as compelling to me as my need to know "whodunnit" if Simon did not commit suicide. 
It seemed as if every single character prompted both compassion and sympathy/empathy. 
Each character was complex, while still being relatable.
I was reminded of The Aviator's Wife by Melanie Benjamin, 
since Charles Lindbergh was also a bigamist. 
Actually, he had multiple families around the world.
Quite the "family guy," huh?
Simon was rather similar, though he only had 
two "wives" and one mistress. That we know of...
In addition to being wives, both Lottie and Selina 
were mothers to teenagers. They both had their 
challenges dealing with their children in the wake of Simon's death.

I particularly appreciated Selina and Lottie's various challenges in dealing with their children. As Lottie says:

I can understand why Mum worried so much. When your children are younger 

you think you want to raise them to make their own choices, but gradually 

you realize what you really mean is the right choices, your choices. (p 42)

I did laugh at this, because I believe it is a trap most parents fall into very easily. However, I'm sure in no small part in reaction to my own mother's overbearing and overly judgmental behaviors, I tried very hard not to expect my sons to do what I wanted them to do, but rather tried to educate them to all the possibilities their adult life presented to them. It is, after all, their life...not mine! And I refuse to try to 'live through my children'. That is so unfair and unjust. 

Dealing with my own children became trickier as they aged. As they become adults, you truly have no control and very little opportunity for meaningful input. For the most part you simply sit back and watch unless you intend to alienate them by giving your opinion(s) and/or 'lecturing' them... As Selina discusses what she wishes to say to her daughter Flora regarding her hairstyle: 

...or any of the stupid things overbearing mothers want to 

say to their grown-up daughters. (p 13)

I had to chuckle at this statement. Though it made me recall the fact that my own mother never ever hesitated to give me her opinion, no matter how rude or overbearing she may have been in doing so. (That would go a long way in describing our fraught relationship.) Likewise Lottie with her teenage daughter, Sadie, often choosing to keep her comments to herself to hopefully encourage the girl to confide in her as much as possible. As Lottie states, 

There's something about mothers and daughters, isn't there? (p 39)

Sadie was a "daddy's girl" according to Lottie. I wouldn't know about that either since I never had a father in my life. But I feel as if I would have connected better with a male since I tend to be quite androgynous in my behaviors in many ways. While I have never dealt with a daughter I know that it can be a very difficult relationship to maintain between mothers and daughters, at least from my perspective as a daughter of an extremely judgmental mother. But I digress...

I could appreciate Lottie's bemoaning the fact that her mother didn't live long enough to see just how happy she and Simon have been...

Sometimes I wonder if that's the thing you miss most when someone dies, 

not so much the person themselves as the things they'll never know about you 

and what's happened in your life. The you they'll never meet. (p 42)

As I read this I remembered a friend who stated that he felt what I missed most in the wake of my mother's death was that there would never be a chance for us to have a good relationship since she was no longer in this world. And he was correct. That is what I yearned for my whole adult life and now knew I would never have...

Selina feels "Grief has made her selfish." (p 57) This is the result of her being unable to speak with her son Josh regarding his own grief and emotions in the wake of his father's death. Though I would argue that Selina had buried her own feelings and needs for so long that she was unable to express her own emotions, let alone help her children do so. She cites the fact that "Josh has never been faced with something irreversible" (p 98) and is finding the "brutal finality" of it difficult to accept. 

When the worst that can happen has already happened, 

what can you do but start again? (p 356)

Through all this family trauma, and was there ever trauma, Cohen manages to slip in some humor, mainly through Selina. For example, as she describes the downsides of Skyping: 
     (1) you can never get away/hang up
     (2) you can see each other and that is so "intimate." 
I don't Skype but I had never considered those two factors. I'm sure that's true.  

In the end, Lottie discovers after the funeral that she is pregnant with Simon's child and it is hopeful to see Selina and her own children rally round Lottie during the pregnancy and childbirth. While looking at the new baby, Hope, in her hospital bed

[Lottie] felt that jolt of betrayal when she thought about Simon, 

but the pain had eased, and sometimes now she could remember him just as he was, without that need to eulogize or attack him. 

She could see now that he hadn't been a bad person.

He'd just been able to tuck secrets away in pockets so far inside him 

that he didn't need to see or think bout them--until it was too late. 

And he'd convinced himself that love was the thing, 

that you could forgive yourself anything if it was done for love. (p 373)

I guess that is true... I feel as if Lottie is a much more forgiving person than I, however...

The woman in the hospital bed next to Lottie's comments:

'You've a big family...Is your husband around?"

"No."

"Oh, well...You've got plenty of support from the looks of it, so who needs him, hey?

It's his funeral, at the end of the day."

Just a silly expression, so the woman couldn't really understand why her neighbor ...seemed to find it so very, very funny. (p 374)

Sometimes, unconsciously, others say things that just capture the truth in a very humorous way...

And now for that Literary Wives question:

What does this book say about wives 

or about the experience of being a wife? 

I felt this book had much to say about wives and 

the experience of being a wife.

Each of these wives, Selina and Lottie, loved Simon in their 

own way. However, they were very different people and

Simon's relationship with each wife was very different,

as depicted in the following conversation:

Simon: I know now that happiness isn't about sipping fine chianti while the sun sets over the hills. It's something else, something visceral. (p. 363)

I can't explain. I feel known by her. I feel like me... 
Selina: You're saying I stop you being who you are?
Simon: Sel...
Selina: You're wrong!...I give you the stability to go off into the world and be who you are. Stability is the thing--not love.(p. 364)

This is included at the very end of the book. We learn that Simon had actually been honest with Selina at one point in time and tried to divorce her. However, upon learning she is pregnant with their third child (a lie Selina perpetrates to keep him in the marriage), he decided to remain married to her... I admit that for me, this conversation brought back memories. 

Selina's situation of remaining in a loveless marriage was familiar to me. I remained in my first marriage for another 12 years after I decided my spouse was never going to be the parent he had claimed he would be to our three sons and I was "stuck" due to lack of financial resources. I could not see how it would be possible to raise my sons as a single mother. This was before social safety net programs to help poor folks survive were available and I'm sure I was petrified to try it, as well. So I spent 12 years never considering or evaluating my own happiness in a relationship, it was simply a means to an end--hopefully somehow being able to raise my own children to be responsible, kind, caring adults, regardless of the poor role model I felt their father portrayed.

So that paragraph above sounded rather familiar to me. I don't know if I would have lied to Simon to keep him or not, but perhaps I would have done the exact same thing as Selina. I'm not sure Selina was the type of person capable of forming a truly 'passionate' relationship. She seemed rather cold and distant, though she was phenomenal at organizing her life to keep current on all tasks and provide everything to be expected of a wife and 'good' mother, particularly one whose husband is stationed away from home at least half the time. I'm not sure we can ever know how we might react to any given situation until we are in it ourselves. 

Selina is very proud of the fact that she and Simon do not feel the need to talk to each other all the time, or even every single day. In describing her best friends' relationship:

Hettie and Ian...call each other ten times a day to talk about absolutely nothing at all...

And always finishing with an "I love you." So unnecessary. 

Love is like any other commodity. The more you flaunt it, the less value it has. 

The real trick is to make the other person feel loved... (p 19)

This made me pause. I do believe it to be true...for me, at least. However, I also realize that any two people need to construct their own relationship in ways that are meaningful to them. It is not up to me to decide what is 'good' or 'bad' in any other relationships, only to try to make my own relationships work well for me and the others involved. Is that easy? Sometimes. But certainly not all the time. There are definitely challenges and pitfalls to be overcome. But there should also be times of harmony and happiness and those need to be recalled as often as possible to help overcome the challenging bits, in my opinion.

I could particularly relate to Selina's belief that if she made all the effort to do her best to raise her children and make her marriage work as well as possible, there would be some reward. That was the same fairy tale in which I believed as I stayed in a marriage even after I had lost virtually any respect for my spouse. And even worse for her since she KNEW that Simon was no longer as invested in their relationship and really wanted out, having found another person with whom he could "feel like me." She thought if she was a 'good wife and mother' she would reap rewards. Not necessarily so, however. And, of course, Selina was all about the easy 'rich' lifestyle to which she had become accustomed, hence a further discouragement from divorcing.
                         Maybe in the end we all settle, just to be left with nothing. (p 280)

Unbeknownst to Selina, Simon decided to "marry" this 'other woman', Lottie. So although Selina lied to Simon so he would not divorce her, she did know he was in a relationship with another woman at that time. What she didn't know was that he was maintaining two families in addition to an "extramarital affair"/another sexual relationship which extended over 30 years. All I can say is, Simon evidently had an unlimited supply of energy... And I honestly wondered just how many other women he had sex with while "married." I admit to being very old-fashioned when it comes to the concept of marriage. I always wonder why men can't just keep their pants zipped and maintain a monogamous relationship. It doesn't seem that difficult to do, IMHO! It is a commitment you made, so "just do it"! (Or don't "do it," however you wish to state it. :))

According to Simon

Love is about wanting more. 

Wanting more of someone, more for someone, more life, more love. (p 355)

But as Lottie watches Karen Griffiths embrace her husband and realizes that she followed him and waited for the appropriate time to intervene, loving him regardless of his dependence upon lithium to maintain emotional balance, she felt that Simon's definition was somehow incorrect. Perhaps there was more to love than Simon's definition... Though Simon was definitely selfish with his life. He wanted what he wanted but he lacked the balls to divorce Selina so he could have a monogamous relationship with Lottie--though I feel monogamy was perhaps not an attainable goal for Simon since we know he also maintained a relationship with a third woman throughout these 30 years, albeit off and on... 

Once Selina learns there is a reasonable chance that Simon was actually murdered and did not commit suicide, she feels relieved, thinking 

Maybe I'm not such a failure as a wife, if my husband didn't choose to leave me. 

(p 320)

Uhm. Actually, he did choose to leave you years ago and you convinced him to remain by lying to him about a third pregnancy. But our memories can become selective, can't they? Again, I believe she thought she had 'played the game well' and deserved a prize/reward, rather than destitution. 

As Selina apologizes to Greg's wife (Simon's partner with whom she has been having sex) she thinks...
                                             All of us sorry. None of us safe. (p 320)

I truly wondered what Cohen meant by this statement. Perhaps we are all 'sorry' for people wronged? Yet we know we can become a victim at any time? I thought it a rather ominous thought.

So what exactly is love? And does that lead to other feelings such as commitment that overtake passionate feelings or even hopes and desires? I believe it is different for different people, just as Lottie and Selina obviously provided very different experiences in a marriage for Simon, so do each of us provide "unique-to-us" experiences for our own partners. 

Happy reading!

~Lynn

This is the next book we will review 
on Monday, June 1st! 

The Dutch House

My first Ann Patchett!

Literary Wives #42

The Home-Maker

by Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Actually, one of my favorite reads for this year!

This is one of my classic literary favorites! 

I had never read any of this writer's works before, but I will definitely read more!

I love the cover image depicted here. This is a Persephone reprint I ordered months ago. 

If you are not familiar with this UK company, please follow the link to learn more.

I love their books: the paper used, the cover formatting, etc. 

I find their pricing reasonable considering the quality of materials and their purpose--

Per The Guardian: "A unique publishing house that champions forgotten female authors."

I'm not sure exactly how "forgotten" Fisher may have been since there is the 

Dorothy Canfield Fisher Book Award selected by 4th - 8th graders each year.

Though I admit I was unfamiliar with her.

Welcome to the 42nd "wifely" book review for the Literary Wives online discussion group!

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Naomi of Consumed by Ink

Kay of whatmeread
Eva of The Paperback Princess

This book was released in 1924, but the issues depicted are still relevant in today's society. 
Which is sad...just plain sad. 

Although overall I believe U.S. society is becoming much more accepting of 

non-traditional roles, especially within families, the stigma still exists very strongly.

Whether we are discussing two same-sex partners or a heterosexual couple who play 'reverse roles' within the family, or single parents, anything other than a "traditional" arrangement (male father, female mother), there are still way too many people in this country who view such family units as "unnatural," even "immoral." 

Each person and each partnership is unique. My recommendation? Live and let live. 

It makes for a much happier, more contented life.

But, back to this book!

According to Karen Knox in the preface, 

Dorothy Canfield Fisher published eleven novels between 1907 and 1939: 

all of them illustrate her conviction that it is inner, personal change that makes the most difference in the lives of human beings rather than changes in external circumstances. (viii)

And it is exactly this that I most appreciated about this book! Especially with regard to Stephen, the youngest and most ill-behaved of the three Knapp children. Though we also get 'inside the heads' of the other two older children, Henry and Helen, it is Stephen of whom we learn the most. 

In Part One we learn of the wife, Evangeline's/Eva's, thoughts and behaviors during daily life. It is not good! I could connect directly with Eva in several ways... As the one person in the family to be relied upon...seemingly for everything! It was that way for me when raising children. Though at least Lester worked! Not so with the father of my children... She suffered from eczema, just as I did from ages 6-9. For me, it was simply a result of my mother's own anxious behaviors and actions toward me inducing these symptoms. It was quite unpleasant. I realized from the beginning Eva was inadvertently/unconsciously doing this to herself. And finally how I, like her, did everything 'from scratch' to save money and make a healthier home environment for the family. Though obviously it wasn't healthier for her. Unfortunately, Eva shared many personality characteristics with my own mother: perfectionism, anxiety over every little detail...of everything, and constant worry of what others thought...of both herself and me. Though my mother also excelled in criticizing every-body for every-thing, making for a very negative environment--I didn't get the impression Eva did that as she was too busy criticizing each and every little move her children and husband did or did not make! 

Lester's personality is also depicted in Part One. We learn he is suffering from constant indigestion, especially intense immediately after eating. I recognized this as a result Eva's constant 'vigilance'/criticism, although she made it a point to "never criticize their father before the children." Her silences made her disapproval quite clear to everyone, especially to Lester. They weren't even allowed to eat supper in peace but Eva was salting Helen's potatoes right on her plate until they suited Eva, and Stephen was told to take smaller mouthfuls, until eventually Eva states

I know I keep at the children all the time! But how can I help it? 

They've got to learn, haven't they? It certainly is no pleasure to me to do it!

Somebody's got to bring them up! (22)

After supper one night she congratulates herself on never making "scenes" and never having "lost her self-control" until a "terrifying but really unavoidable breakdown" one night. Eva complains to herself that there were

...moments in a mother's life about which nobody ever warned you,...moments of arid clear sight when you saw helplessly that your children would never measure up to your standard, 

never would be really close to you, because they were not your kind of human beings,...but 

merely other human beings for whom you were responsible. How solitary it made you feel! (36)

Henry suffers from nausea and vomiting, which bouts appear to be a direct result of Eva's anger regarding anything that messes up her perfectly clean house! We learn that Helen is rather puny, often suffering from a cold. Eva actually corrects Helen's wringing out of the wash rags by redoing it and rehanging them in a 'perfect' fashion to dry. She constantly corrects and reminds the children how to do every single little thing in their life! How to walk. How to take off their shoes. How to place their shoes on the floor. They can't get more than a few feet into the house without being told how to do 3-4 different things! It's a wonder these people are still functioning at all. Though we can see they are about at a breaking point. Especially poor little Stephen who is still a preschooler and under his mother's thumb each and every minute of each and every day. Poor little guy...

As the book opens we see Eva scrubbing away all afternoon on the grease spots Henry has left on the kitchen floor by tipping the meat tray as he brought it into the kitchen from the dining room after supper the evening before. She is angry as hell about this! Then she notices Stephen is missing. She begins to hunt for him, getting angrier all the time, as the bucket of cleaning water in the kitchen cools while she hunts in every imaginable spot for her youngest child, who, we learn, is purposefully hiding from her! It's due to his Teddy-bear, which he has just discovered poorly hidden in a drawer in his/his parents' bedroom. (Due to limited space in their house, Stephen sleeps on a cot in Eva and Lester's bedroom.) Eva had confiscated it during the night until she had the opportunity to wash it. But Stephen had seen the results of a 'washed' Teddy-bear and it wasn't good... To Stephen 

...Teddy meant quiet and rest and safety...and Stephen needed all he could get of those elements 

in his stormy little life, made up, so much of it, 

of fierce struggles against forces stronger than he. (11)

He would hold Teddy in his arms as long as he could, and hide, and let Mother call to him all she wanted to, while he braced himself to endure with courage the tortures that would inevitably follow...the scolding which mother called 'talking to him', the beating invisible waves of fury flaming at him from all over Mother, which made Stephen suffer more than 

the physical blows which always ended things, for by the time they arrived 

he was usually so rigid with hysteria himself that he did not feel them much.

Under the stairs...she would not think of that for a long time. 

He crept in over the immaculately clean floor, drew the curtains back of him, sat upright, 

cross-legged, holding Teddy to his breast with all his might, dry-eyed, scowling, 

a magnificent sulphurous conflagration of Promethean flames blazing in his little heart. (14-15)

This passage! Those descriptors! I read that passage several times just because...it was so powerful! I could easily picture Stephen...

As Stephen walks about the bedroom "drawing long breaths" he notes that 

The bed, the floor, the bureau, everything looked different to you in the times when 

Mother forgot about you for a minute. It occurred to Stephen that maybe it was a rest to them, 

too, to have Mother forget about them and stop dusting and polishing and pushing them around. They looked sort of peaceful, the way he felt. 

He nodded his head to the bed and looked with sympathy at the bureau. (11)

Eva created so much tension that nobody could be healthy in the environment she created! It struck me yet again that if my mother and I had not lived with my grandmother so that she was my main caregiver, my daily life would have been so much worse! My mother would have been just as bad (or maybe even worse?) than Eva. I had been lucky in that regard. Not so for Stephen! Until...

Lester despairs after having been fired from his job at the local department store and purposefully throws himself off his neighbor's icy roof as he ostensibly hauls water to try to extinguish a fire. His thought was to provide for Eva and the children via the life insurance money they would have as a result of his death. But as he later bemoans, he can't even cause his own death, but rather simply causes his legs to be useless in the aftermath. The medical prognosis is that he may be able to regain use with time, but there are no guarantees. 

Part Two depicts Jerome and Nell Willing, the two new co-owners of the local department store, inherited from Jerome's uncle who owned and managed it for many years. They are both college-educated with experience working in retail institutions and are determined to build this small-town store into a much more economically efficient machine. All for the good of the local/rural folks, of course! [Wink! Wink!] The fact that they would have more money is viewed simply as a bonus to the changes and expansion they have planned. They debate the need for a store manager to free Jerome to complete buying trips. If only they knew someone who would be capable and yet personable with customers... 

And you guessed it! Three weeks after returning the Willings' check for $100 sent to her immediately following Lester's accident, Eva enters the store to ask for a job. Jerome has a practiced interviewing technique and recognizes what he feels is her natural affinity, knowledge, and pertinent skills set to work in retail. After all, her father owned and managed his own store in which she worked as a child/teen, so she also has on-the-job experience. It is many of those same skills that have worked to drive her children and husband to physical ailments as well as create an environment of nearly unbearable  psychological stress for them. It isn't that Eva isn't a devoted "home-maker" or that she doesn't love each member of her family, it is just her emphasis on perfection with no regard for others' feelings or respect in the wake of her unrealistic expectations. 

As you might well have also guessed, Eva excels at the store and is immediately promoted from stock girl to seller. She even takes notes in the evenings of her ideas/plans for work. Eva actually learns to overlook a 'less than perfectly' clean house when she is home. Her earnings allow them to hire a housekeeper who cleans once a week to prevent Eva from spending her leisure time working constantly in the house. (Per doctor's orders.) And then Miss Flynn, the department manager resigns and Eva is promoted and earning even more money than Lester ever made or ever thought he would be capable of making at the same store. Of course, Jerome and Nell plan to groom Eva to become the store manager they had foreseen needing. She fits in beautifully with their own management philosophy.

This book has prompted me to relate plot details to a much greater degree than I usually do, but I feel it is very important to truly understanding the ramifications to each character in the book. Part Three depicts the astounding affect that Lester has on his children as he takes over as a true "home-maker" (not just "housekeeper") by cooking and caring for the children. Due to his physical limitations he is unable to accomplish much cleaning, but the children pitch in as they can. Friends and neighbors help as well. We learn Lester had befriended and helped quite a few people in town who were more than happy to return the favor in his hour of need. Lester provides to the children what Eva was unable to provide: patience, caring, and respect. She was very efficient in the pragmatic tasks of "house-keeping," but quite lacking in creating a nurturing, gentle, and kind environment. It is this section I liked best. Fisher does a very believable job of recreating how I would imagine these children might feel as they are freed to become themselves and develop their own interests and skills while experiencing a supportive relationship with their father. 

And now for the Literary Wives portion 

of the review! 

What does this book say about wives or 

about the experience of being a wife?

One of my first observations is that finally we have 

a book which does not have a philandering male 

as the "husband." I appreciate that! 

I admit that I was disappointed in all these 

characters in Part Four which deals with the 

fact that Eva and Lester both realize he has 

regained control of his legs and 

could walk if he chose to do so. 

However, rather than creating joy, 

this realization creates much more stress

for each of them as they consider the ramifications.

An able-bodied male remaining at home as a "home-maker" while his wife works to provide income to support the family was just not feasible, according to Eva. She refuses to even consider this due to the social stigma of such an arrangement. Lester's refusal is based upon the benefits he now realizes he provides to his children, and the fact that Eva is much happier and more fulfilled by working outside the home than she ever was being a "home-maker." Though I would argue she was a "house-keeper" much more than a "home-maker," as distinguished by the title, which, according to Elaine Showalter's afterword, 

...clearly signaled [Dorothy Canfield Fisher's] subject and her educational mission...

Calling someone a "home-maker" rather than a 'house-keeper' 

implies more importance, authority, and creativity. (269)

Although I had never thought of these two words in this way, I can recognize the underlying logic. It is stated multiple times in the book that being a wife instantly meant you were the home-maker, the patient caregiver, the nurturer. 

That complacent unquestioned generalisation, 'The mother is the natural home-maker' (257)

Proved to not always be true! Just being born 'female' or just being in the designated 'working-at-home' role doesn't automatically mean you have these skills. I knew a woman who was a "stay-at-home" mom but her children literally lived with her parents until they started school and since her parents' home lay outside their home school district, they would stay with their parents Monday-Friday and spend weekends and all vacations at their grandparents' house. So just being at home all the time doesn't mean you are parenting, or necessarily an effective parent. Each of us is different, regardless of our role or gender. 

Likewise, Lester feels himself to be a complete and total failure since 

he had long ago seen that he was incapable of giving to Eva and the children anything that anybody in the world would consider worth having. The only thing he was supposed 

to give them was money, and he couldn't make that. (68)

So we see very distinct roles set by society for a woman as a wife and a man as a husband. One is to be at home caring for the house and children and the other is to earn sufficient income to support them all. However, if it weren't for Lester becoming the "home-maker," no one would have realized the trauma Stephen underwent regarding his Teddy-bear. 

What was terrifying to Lester was the thought that the conception of 

trying to understand Stephen's point of view had been 

as remote from their minds as the existence of the fourth dimension. (145)

I can understand being so busy as a parent that you overlook and/or are oblivious to some aspects of your children's psychological needs. It is sad when that happens. It was this realization that awoke in him a "desire to get well, to live again."

Fisher addresses the issue of consumerism as she describes Jerome Willing's "notion of being a good business-man" was to exploit women by "play[ing] for his own purposes on a weakness of theirs only too tragically exaggerated already, their love for buying things." (That stereotype of a women always shopping/buying things!) He tried to ignore the fact that, in his opinion, Eva was doing the exact same thing. And although there is a strong emphasis on the rights of children to have love, security, and unconditional positive regard/respect, Fisher also points out that with the extra income from Eva's work, they would be able to save for their children's college education and provide more for their children. As Eva states,

She felt an impulsive longing to share her emotion with Lester, to put her arms 

about his neck and let him know that she did not take his loyalty, his gentleness, 

his faithfulness, his fineness, so coldly for granted as she had seemed.

She had been unhappy about their hideous poverty. That was all. It was abominable to be poor! 

It brought out the worst in everyone. When you were distracted with worry about money, 

you simply weren't yourself. (236)

I do believe finances are at the heart of many relationship break-ups. Statistics do prove that out. 

As Lester considers the possibility of both he and Eva working he muses over the possibility of hiring someone to care for the children:

...it was conceivable that by paying a high cash price you might be able to hire a little intelligence, 

enough intelligence to give them good material care. 

But you could never hire intelligence sharpened by love. 

In other words, you could not hire a parent.

And children without parents were orphans. (255)

As Lester contemplates the possibility of him being able-bodied once again, 

...the fanatic feminists were right, after all. Under its greasy camouflage of chivalry, 

society is really based on a contempt for women's work in the home. 

The only women who were paid, either in human respect or money, 

were women who gave up their traditional job of creating harmony out of human relationships 

and did something really useful, bought or sold or created material objects. (260)

It is true. You are paid nothing to be a full-time parent. But there is great satisfaction in knowing that you gave it 1000% when they were young and dependent. My finances as an older adult reflect the fact that I did not work outside my home for 13 years while raising my children, but I wouldn't trade the experiences with and insights into my children gained over those years for anything. 

I can imagine this was quite a groundbreaking work when released in 1924. 

Unfortunately, I fear we still have a long way to go before this changes significantly. 

But I do believe progress has been made and more and more people are learning to 

not only accept and respect, but also appreciate alternative family units to the 

"traditional" male-income-earner-husband and female-"home-maker'-mother model. 

Up next for Literary Wives:

The War of the Wives by Tamar Cohen

Join us March 2, 2020