If you could ask for anything...

All You Could Ask For by Mike Greenberg

I love this book on so many levels! Until I started researching for this blog post, I was unaware that 100% of all profits from this book were being donated to The V Foundation for Cancer Research. I don't know about you, but I am always more than happy to pay for something when I know the money will work for those who need it, in whatever way. Though I never watch TV or Sports, I am impressed with Greenberg's motivation to write this book, as well as his willingness to donate the proceeds to a good cause. Knowing that he had a real-life close friend who died at a young age from cancer as inspiration also makes this read more poignant and meaningful. Here is his announcement. I don't know that I would have ever purposefully looked for this book if I hadn't responded to the hype about Greenberg's newest release, My Father's Wives, and read and reviewed it as part of the Literary Wives Online Book Discussion group. (It was my interest that spurred us to select it as our June 2015 read.) 

Having met Jane Green this past spring, and being fairly certain we have similar reading preferences, I heartily agree with her sentiments regarding Mike Greenberg's writing: 

  Mike is as clever, astute, and perceptive as he is brilliant. He has beautifully pulled off the three female voices in this novel...with tremendous wisdom and insight. 

I love the way Greenberg allows the reader to get to know each of these three women so very well before we learn how they become connected and provide such valuable social support for each other! Though you might imagine this could be a depressing read given the fact that people are enduring cancer, I did not find it so. In fact, I found it wonderfully uplifting in many ways. Firstly, it demonstrates that although you may feel "alone" in your daily face-to-face personal life, technology affords the ability to create and maintain social connections. Secondly, there are many varied perspectives, reactions, and treatment regimens that work for different individuals diagnosed with cancer. Thirdly, learn to advocate for your own comfort level and research all possible options before committing to any treatment plan, whether for cancer or any other diagnosis. If the first medical professional doesn't provide options, get a second opinion, and/or go online and do research by connecting with others who can educate you and broaden your horizons and understanding.

Brooke is the woman who is giving her husband naked pictures of herself for his 40th birthday. Good for her! I don't believe I could have ever done that! :) And I guess men are appreciative of such things, but for me personally, I guess it's enough that he gets naked for me when it counts! ;) The process by which she considered various locations in her home as possible settings for these risque photos was humorous, as she finally decided she was uncomfortable with any of them! As Brooke says:

  ...we both know who wears the pants in our house: My husband does. But there is equally little doubt which of us really has the power. (18)

As Brooke prepares for her second wedding/renewal of wedding vows with her husband in honor of his fortieth birthday,

  This is the very best day of my entire life. (116)

Oh, and the betrayal that Samantha must endure at the hands of her new husband! Although ultimately, I would be grateful to have learned of such deceit within only two days rather than after the 20 years of my own marriage! But we don't get to choose.)

  [Robert] has an amazing ability to be sensible and romantic in the same conversation. I'd never met a man who could be either one of those, much less both. How could I not marry him? (9)

Ah, but a politician is all about charisma and charm! And he is a newly elected Lieutenant Governor! 

...I think the only person I've never felt sorry for in my whole life is me. 

  Why would I? I was born with every advantage imaginable. (23)

But as we see with each of these three women, that doesn't mean your life will necessarily be without many challenges, just as it is for others... Samantha has remained in Hawaii following her honeymoon debaucle, training for an upcoming race competition, returning to the 'extreme' athletic regimen from the past. Upon completion of packing her belongings the day prior to the race, wondering where her life will go from here, her father surprises her by showing up at her hotel room,

  "You didn't think I was going to let you do this thing all by yourself, did you?"

  I put my face directly in the center of his chest and let him hold me, which he did, tightly....Very few things in life are perfect. This was close enough. In a way, this was the best moment in my entire life. (118) 
She had received very little emotional support from her father in the past, so this was a breakthrough for their relationship. 

  

Speaking of betrayal, we now go to the third of this trio, Katherine. Who was also betrayed by her ex-husband, Phillip, for whom she still works! Yes, you read that correctly! Unbelievable... Katherine has a mantra she recites while breathing in a controlled pattern to calm her mind and 'be in the now':

  May I be filled with loving-kindness

  May I be well

  May I be peaceful and at ease

  May I be happy

I may have to adopt that! However, it seems Katherine could use a bit of positivism:

  They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

  Well, how fucking stupid are they?

  That expression, or the sentiment behind it, is one of those things we've made up to make ourselves feel better. (24)

Rather cynical? Perhaps. Though it may contain some uncomfortable truth. 

On being single, Katherine muses:

  I wouldn't say I'm looking for a man. 

  I wouldn't let you say I am, either. (52)

  What I do not accept is the antiquated notion that somehow I am less of a woman--or less of a person--because I do not have a man in my life. It is not as though I have never been with a man. I have been with more than my share, both before and after Phillip, and aside from the time I Maced one who wanted to marry me there have been very few catastrophes. (53)

Hah! Really? Oh, the description of that event was hysterical. I was definitely laughing out loud and doing so again now as I reread it! 

An anonymous text arrives on Katherine's assistant, Marie's, phone:

  Phil's marriage broke up, he moved out, rumor is SHE was cheating on HIM! 

...I knew it was true. Phillip's marriage was over. She was cheating on him. And, obviously, everybody knew it. In its own way, that's every bit as bad as having to give a horse a hand job. (119)

OMG! Now that's a visual I might not have needed! :)

  So let's see: Phillip left me for Holly nineteen years ago and married her less than a year after that, so for eighteen years I have waited for these words. I have dreamt of them, fantasized about them, prayed for them, written them in ink, chanted them in meditation, spoken them aloud daily, and now they were staring me in the face...and the way they made me feel was a revelation more powerful than I have ever had in a church or a conference room or the front row of a concert. 

  They made me sad. 

  There was no joy, no euphoria, no in your face. I had not won anything. (119-120)

Yes, wishing bad things upon others is never a good thing, and in the end, does it really net you anything if it happens? No...just a revelation that it was never about you, as happens for Katherine.

After being fixed up on a blind date with a man looking to be many years her senior on the evening of her fortieth birthday, Katherine decides to take a much needed vacation, dragging her ever-faithful assistant, Marie, with her. She travels to Colorado where she meets Stephen and Florence, who change her life, much for the better. 

...The horizon was limitless, just like my life, filled with endless possibilities. And that, I realized, is the answer to the question, the one about what makes life worth living. It's about all the wonderful things that might happen, if only we'd let them. And I knew, right then and there, that someday I would look back and say that this was the best day of my entire life. (124)

At the end of Part I all three women profess to be at the perfect point of their lives. However, Part II begins with Samantha's initial posting on BreastCancerForum.org. 

  I think I should tell you who I am, because it's important to me that you know that I'm not just a cancer patient. I hope no one takes that the wrong way. I know you're all cancer patients, too, and I don't want to minimize that, I really don't, but that's not who I am, just as I assume it's not who you are. I assume you're all somebody just like me, somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, maybe somebody's wife. (127)

I felt she was trying to avoid being identified as solely a "cancer patient." I could relate to wanting to retain your own identity, though I have known people who become a walking talking billboard for cancer once they're diagnosed, so I guess each patient has a different coping strategy for a cancer diagnosis, as with anything else. 

Brooke spends the night following her lumpectomy musing on BreastCancerForum.org,

  Tomorrow I go back. Tonight I have a babysitter downstairs with the kids. I called and asked her to spend the night, told her I think I have the flu. I wish I did. I never thought I'd wish that, but right now the flu sounds so good, so normal. I feel so far away form normal. I have no idea when I can expect to feel normal again. I want so badly to feel normal. I've never wanted anything more. I want yesterday, and most of today.

  Can anyone here tell me how to get that? (142)

Her husband is out of town on business that night and she didn't feel she could cope with caring for her children without going into hysterics. I could understand that feeling of helplessness and grief for what may be a very much shortened future with her family.

Katherine's confessional post to BreastCancerForum.org:
  In the dog-eat-dog world in which I've lived my whole life, I have never allowed myself either of two things that I now regret. The first is weakness. I have never allowed myself any weakness at all. I have always felt that showing any sign of vulnerability would destroy me completely, and as a result I have lived in a rather solitary world. The other is that I've never allowed myself to get over the one man who broke my heart. Perhaps the two are related. Perhaps allowing myself to get past him would have opened the door to a new man, a real relationship, and you can't have one of those without allowing yourself to be vulnerable...
(163-164)

Perhaps what I most admire about all three of these women is their self-awareness through their experiences. I believe this book would be a fantastic read for anyone, but especially those facing an illness, and deciding what to do in the aftermath of a diagnosis. Among these three, very different treatments were selected: a double mastectomy, a lumpectomy with no follow-up, and an all-out treatment via traditional western medical protocol. Do these types of books interest you? 

Can "faith" accomplish the impossible? Pt 1

The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry 

by Rachel Joyce
Part 1: Committing to the Walk
There was so much to discuss and I wanted to use so many direct quotes, I have split this review into two parts. I love Joyce's writing style. (Part 2 is here.)

This cover picture should appear to be "bigger than life," as that is how I would term Harold's goal: to walk across England (600 or 700 miles, if I remember correctly) to visit a former coworker who is suffering from cancer and in hospice, thereby keeping her alive... He wants her to promise to "wait for him"; to stay alive until he arrives. Initially, he believes he can not only keep her alive, but he may be able to "cure" her through his pilgrimage of faith. It is obvious from the start of this book that Harold and Maureen's marriage is considerably less than happy. And as she did in the eshort-story A Faraway Smell of Lemon, Joyce slowly but surely reveals the historic details of this relationship, delineating the reasons for their discontent with each other. They were sleeping in separate beds, never speaking to one another except about the most mundane daily activities, most certainly never about their feelings, desires, regrets...nothing meaningful in an intimate long-term relationship. 

I wonder if readers who have not experienced a failed or failing long-term relationship would resonate as well with this particular book. (Our book club's youngest member did not...) I certainly could and did, but I have similar situations in my own past which made it rather easy to connect with these two characters. Though initially I felt Maureen acted quite bitchy (I even noted "henpecked Harold" on page 4), I eventually realized that each of these characters had simply coped in the best way they knew how with their own life experiences. I will say I believe alcoholism is somewhat an inherited behavioral tendency, though that doesn't deny the fact that individuals can and do choose their own path, avoiding it entirely. I have witnessed two people from my past who wasted themselves away much as David did, though unlike him, they died of "natural causes" in the end. I cannot imagine discovering your child in the situation that Harold had...there are no words for me to adequately express what I believe that may feel like, not for either parent. I believe that to be the most grievous situation any parent could endure.  

          The day he was born his mother had looked at the bundle in her arms, and felt 
     appalled. She was young, with a peony-bud mouth and a husband who had seemed 
     a good idea before the war and a bad one after it. A Child was the last thing she 
     wanted or needed. The boy learned quickly that the best way to get along in life 
     was to keep a low profile; to appear absent even when present. (page 25)

This was the Borders Book Club read for January 2015, and we all agreed that Harold really had no way of developing interpersonal skills given his childhood: his mother literally packed a suitcase, left it by the door, and then walked out with it when he was a very young child, never to be seen or heard from again. Thereafter, his father had a succession of "aunts" living with them until Harold turned 16, when his father placed an overcoat on him, and sent him out the door. (I actually have known someone who was similarly left to his own devices at the age of 16 by his own parents. Sad...) I believe this accounted for his stoic personality and disconnectedness as an adult, especially with his own wife and son. 

          Mothering had come so naturally to Maureen. It was as if another woman had 
     been waiting inside her all along, ready to slip out. She knew how to swing her body 
     so that a baby slept; how to soften her voice; how to curl her hand to support his 
     head. She knew what temperature the water should be in his bath, and when he 
     needed to nap, and how to knit him blue wool socks. He had no idea she knew these 
     things and he had watched with awe, like a spectator from the shadows. It both 
     deepened his love for her and lifted her apart, so that just at the moment when he 
     thought their marriage would intensify, it seemed to lose its way, or at least set 
     them in different places. He peered at his baby son, with his solemn eyes, and felt 
     consumed with fear. What if he was hungry? What if he was unhappy? What if other 
     boys hit him when he went to school? There was so much to protect him from, He 
     wondered if other men found the new responsibility of parenting as terrifying, or 
     whether it had been a a fault that was only in himself. It was different these days. 
     You saw men pushing buggies and feeding babies with no worries at all. 
          "I hope I haven't upset you?" said the woman beside him.
          "No, no." He stood and shook her hand.
          "I'm glad you stopped," she said. "I'm glad you asked for water." He returned to 
     the road before she could see that he was crying. (page 51)

I can see how the "other partner" may feel "left out" when the more innately nurturing of the two parents perfectly cares for a child, and given Harold's own life experience, he immediately retreated from the situation and was only a peripheral part of their relationship through the years. And that didn't appear to improve over time--Harold shares the story of Queenie being the first female hired at the brewery with Maureen and David:

          "Is that supposed to be interesting?" David had said. ...
          Maureen smiled. Harold didn't expect her to stand up for him because she loved 
     her son, and that was right, of course. He only wished that sometimes he didn't feel 
     so outside, as if what bonded them was their disassociation from him. (page 54)

Awww...poor Harold!! :(

It appears that his frustration with life culminates in his continuing to walk further and further when he ostensibly left his home to simply post a reply to Queenie's letter from the nearest postbox. I felt very sorry for Harold when he called the hospice and left the following message for Queenie:

          Tell her Harold Fry is on his way. All she has to do is wait. Because I am going to 
     save her, you see. I will keep walking and she must keep living. Will you say that?
          I'm setting off right now. As long as I walk, she must live. Please tell her this 
     time I won't let her down.
          Harold stared at the ribbon of road that lay ahead, and the glowering wall that 
     was Dartmoor, and then the yachting shoes that were his feet. He asked himself 
     what in heaven's name he'd just done. Overhead a seagull cracked its wings and 
     laughed. (page 19)

We learn that he had totally misinterpreted his brief conversation with the "Girl in the Garage," having not heard the ending. I did feel some pity for Harold at this point, yet somehow, I also admired his strength of belief and hope/faith in his own ability to make amends for all the years he had ignored Queenie, and in such a dramatic fashion. 

          He was already different from the man who had set foot from Kingsbridge, and 
     even from the small hotel. He was not someone off to the postbox. He was walking 
     to Queenie Hennessy. He was beginning again. (page 53)

Ah...and will this journey provide a new beginning...for whom? for him? for Queenie? for Maureen? for David? for everyone?

After the first night Harold briefly considered returning home and properly planning for this sojourn,

          But planning his route would involve both serious consideration and waiting, and 
     there was no time for either of those things. Besides, Maureen would only give 
     voice to the truth he was doing his best to avoid. The days when he might expect 
     her help or her encouragement, or whatever it was he still wanted, were long since
     gone.
          If he went home now, if he even consulted a map, he knew he would never go 
     to Berwick. (page 26)

It's true, isn't it? Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith and go for it, no matter how crazy it may seem to others...or even to ourselves, we just have to know...can we do it? 

Maureen's first night alone she is pondering: 

          Queenie Hennessy. After all these years. The memory of something long buried 
     shivered deep inside her. (page 24)

And her thoughts later:

          So when Harold said he was walking to Berwick, did he mean that once he got 
     there, he was staying?
          Well, he could go if he wanted. She should have seen it coming. Like mother, 
     like son; although she had not met Joan, and Harold never spoke of her. What kind 
     of woman packs a suitcase and leaves, without even a note? Yes, Harold could go. 
     There were times when she herself had been tempted to call it a day. It was David 
     who kept her at home, not marital love. She could no longer recall the details of 
     how she had first met Harold, or what she had seen in him; only that he had 
     picked her up at some municipal dance, and that on meeting him, her mother had 
     found him common. 
          "Your father and I had better things in mind," she had said, in that clipped way 
     of hers.
          In those days Maureen had not been one to listen to other people. So what if he 
     had no education. So what if he had no class. So what if he rented a basement room 
     and did so many jobs he barely slept. She looked at him and her heart tipped 
     sideways. She would be the love he'd never had. Wife, mother, friend. She would 
     be everything. (page 58)

Aha! So she was going to save and nurture him...bad bad start to a relationship! Why do we women tend to do that? :( An effective long-term relationship is a partnership, not a parenting relationship with one person managing/caring for the other all the time. 

          Sometimes she looked back to the past and wondered where the reckless young 
     woman was that she had been.
          Maureen went through his papers, but there was nothing to explain why he was 
     walking to Queenie. There were no letters. No photographs. No half-scribbled 
     directions. All she discovered in his bedside drawer was a picture of herself just 
     after they were married, and another crumpled black-and-white one of David that 
     Harold must have hidden there, because she clearly remembered sticking it in an 
     album. The silence reminded her of the months after David had left, when the 
     house itself seemed to hold its breath. She put on the television in the sitting 
     room, and the radio in the kitchen, but still it was too empty and quiet.
          Had he been waiting for Queenie for twenty years? Had Queenie Hennessy been 
     waiting for him? (page 58)

By now I was really wondering...exactly what had transpired with Queenie over 20 years ago? 

I just had to read it...to see what all the hype is about...and was rewarded.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Image courtesy of John Green's website

I typically use smaller pictures of books on blog posts, but this book truly is "bigger than life," in my humble opinion, hence, the really large picture! Rarely am I "gaga" over a book that is already getting so much HUGE press, however, I feel John Green deserves each and every accolade he receives, and more! This was a selection for both the "Borders" Book Club I facilitate and IUPUI Book Club in which I participate. I have watched the Goodreads stats on this book climb to unknown heights, reaching a peak of 1,198,527 ratings as of today, November 23, 2014. And as I have rarely observed, the overall rating increases as more people read and rate it, currently 4.42 on a 5-point scale today! Wow...just wow... 

This book truly qualifies as one of my favorite reads of all time! That is saying a lot, considering I've been alive 58 1/2 years and I have been an avid reader for most of those years! Seriously, this book rates right up there with Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, The School of Essential Ingredients (and all others) by Erica Bauermeister, The Art of Racing in the Rain (and all others) by Garth Stein, Gemini (and all others) by Carol Cassella, The Aviator's Wife (and all others) by Melanie Benjamin, and A White Wind Blew by James Markert. (As you can see, there are many books that I consider to be all-time favorites, and trust me, this is only a partial list!) 

And John Green is now one of my all-time favorite authors, especially since I have read Looking for Alaska (almost as good as TFIOS, in my opinion) and Paper Towns and loved both of those books, too! I own and will also read An Abundance and Katherines and Will Grayson, Will Grayson in the near future.

I ask myself what it is that makes certain written works so darned appealing to so many readers, and I believe it is typically the potency of the characterization and plot working together to penetrate the soul, consciousness, and emotional center of a reader's being. Naturally, the subject matter of TFIOS is so very poignant--fatal illness among children/teens--that immediately 
connects with the sympathetic and empathetic processes of virtually any reader of any age. Add in the other related issues: "normal" adolescent behaviors and experiences in "coming of age"; parental attitudes of grief, selflessness, and selfishness; death, at any age, but particularly when you've not lived all that long, in terms of a "normal" or expected life timeline; and you're certainly covering much controversial and deeply moving territory! However, in addition, or perhaps as a catalyst for all this, I contend that in the case of TFIOS, Green's very direct and precise dialogue is to blame! A vast understatement: the man definitely has "a way with words"!

So many scenes from this book will live in my memory forever... I will address just a few here. One of the most poignant issues for me was the very different ways in which I felt each set of parents dealt with their children's impending premature death. The Waters' were very "up," posting all kinds of "encouragements" throughout their house (wall hangings, embroidered pillows, etc.): Home Is Where the Heart Is, Good Friends Are Hard to Find and Impossible to Forget, True Love is Born from Hard Times, Family is Forever. As Gus said, "they're everywhere." While I can understand and sympathize with the need to be "strong" and insist your child "fight" for his/her life, I believe there can be a point at which consideration for a good (or even decent) quality of life for the patient, regardless of his or her relationship to you, should override this persistence... In my opinion, though well-intentioned it can become unrealistic and more hurtful (physically and psychologically) to the patient. 

This situation seemed to reach a climax when Gus had to finally assert himself and fight with his parents, insisting that he be allowed to accompany Hazel Grace to Paris to see Peter Van Houten, the author of her absolute favorite book, An Imperial Affliction. There was literally a screaming match just before their departure. Unbeknownst to her at the time, he had been put on "palliative chemotherapy"--they intended for him to remain on this medical regimen for the short duration prior to his death, regardless...while he felt it more important to travel with Hazel Grace. This reminded me so much of times when as a parent, you must listen to your children's desires and help them determine what they should do. I don't believe Gus was given that much leeway...but shouldn't HE be the one to make this decision? After all, he has so little time left on this earth, what is the point of forcing him to endure more physical and emotional misery through such medicinal therapy when the end is so very close anyway? However, it is always so easy to "know" what you would do in certain situations, though in reality, none of us would truly "know" unless we were there, would we?

Whereas Hazel Grace's parents appear to be more compassionate and respectful toward their child overall. Her mother has quit working outside the home and her father cries at the drop of a hat. However, they do encourage her to get out and make friends, even guiding her to complete a GED and enter college, as well as attending the weekly Support Group  meetings in the "heart of Jesus"! One of the most poignant and humorous examples of Hazel's parents' realistic and selfless attitude is reflected on page 7:
           Hazel: "If you want me to be a teenager, don't send me to Support Group. 
                    Buy me a fake ID so I can go to clubs, drink vodka, and take pot."
          Hazel's Mom: "You don't take pot, for starters." 
          Hazel: "See, that's the kind of thing I'd know if you got me a fake ID."
          Hazel's Mom: "Your'e going to Support Group."
          Hazel: "Uggggggggggggg."
Of course, this is the night Hazel Grace just happens to meet Augustus, and that was the start of a true "coming of age" experience for her in so many ways. But this passage really had me thinking about the grieving of parents caught in such situations. That must also include the fact that your child's life is now constantly monitored with little to no room to experience any of the more dangerous and "naughty" events of a typical adolescence, as so many others do when they're not fatally ill. I loved her mother for saying that and not getting all bent out of shape with Hazel's comment. 

"The fault, Dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings." (Julius Caesar) This book explores so many issues/topics! It is fascinating. One mentioned by book club members was the idea of "God"; some felt there was tension between Christianity and "the Universe." Hazel's Dad said several times, "The Universe just wants to be noticed." I like this, it makes me remember that we are all part of one big whole entity. Augustus's note states he is still with her, in Amsterdam he mentions the "inifinity" in little moments--our little tiny infinity. For me this is all a reminder not to overlook or ignore all those "little things" that happen to us every day; it all matters. 

I am certain this book will be a "classic" forevermore into the future, and if not, it should be... Have you had any similar experiences? Or has anyone close to you? Have you read this book? You really should. It is so well worth your time. It feels so REAL...