Who is your "family"?

Did You Ever Have a Family by Bill Clegg

The Socratic Salon discussed this one!
Other reviews: 
Catherine of The Gilmore Guide to Books
Lauren of Malcolm Avenue Review

I loved this book! The cover image is so deceptive--so simple...and yet, much like each of us, so very complex as we navigate the layers of our life and being. The who of who we are. I noticed that the jacket and the paper covering the inside of the front and back are made to look worn and even water damaged. And perhaps that is the purpose? To denote that each of us is damaged, as is the book itself. And we all are, just in different ways and to varying degrees. 

This book demonstrates the many layers of existence each of us portrays. Much like our skin. There is the surface layer, mainly known by those who truly do NOT know us at a personal level at all, only basically know 'of' us. Under that is a layer known by those who know us very little, but at least have some direct contact with us in one way or another: as a professional, within our scope of employment, as a volunteer, as a blogger, etc. And then there are those who really know us! These are the people who must endure us day in and day out, those with whom we connect. There are varying levels of connection within and among these groups. Clegg does an excellent job of depicting just those dimensions of 'knowing' and forming/maintaining relationships with one another. He compares and contrasts them to demonstrate that we are all connected to some degree, whether we realize it or not. 

When a tragedy strikes, there are always those who feel they might have been able to avoid it...if only...they had... In this case, there were several people feeling as if they could have prevented what happened, none more so than June and Silas, I feel certain. And the resulting losses were so very great...as they always are for those people 'closest' to the victims. Though, how do we judge our 'closeness' to others? I believe one of the reasons each character seemed so real is that each revealed something about themselves, often something from their past they could or did regret...and that, after all, is something we all share--we all have regrets.                                                             

Merriam-Webster's definition of FAMILY: 

1) a group of people who are related to each other

2) a person's children

3) a group of related people including people who lived in the past

There are so many people I consider to be 'family'--more than just those with whom I share a biological link! One of my friends introduced me to the phrase, "Friends are family you choose!" And the older I get, the more I believe that and realize it is so true in my own life. Don't get me wrong--I love my children, their partners, and their children/my grandchildren. Always have and always will. However, I have much closer interpersonal relationships with others than I have with them. I honestly don't know how much of that is a function of who I am, who they are, or just simply our personalities and attraction to each other. In adulthood, I believe compatibility is key to forming and maintaining relationships that are long-term and truly meaningful and rewarding. 

June had "crossed a line" by "starting up" with Luke, whose 
looks came from the fact that he didn't look like anyone else around here. He was like a wild orchid growing in a hayfield. No one ever knew who his father was, but they sure knew he was black. I hate to say what it suggests about this town that there is virtually no one who could have been the father. (24) 

Definitely not an area where someone who appears to be "racially different" from the mainstream would necessarily feel comfortable. [June] was, she sensed sharply as she reached the far side of the parking lot, an untouchable. Not from scorn or fear, but from the obscenity of loss. It was inconsolable, and the daunting completeness of it--everyone, gone--silenced even those most used to calamity. (11) 
It is often true that others tend to avoid those who are left...the survivors of extreme tragedies. June does run away. Really, I didn't blame her at all. How ironic that she ends up finding the letter and staying where her daughter had been, and there she makes a "friend" of Cissy.                                                                  

Edith, the florist, had cut the daisies for Lolly and Will's wedding herself, to place in the 50 or so jelly jars the couple had collected since they first became engaged. Although she disapproved, since daisies are not truly acceptable wedding flowers, she was going to do it for them. After all, she was getting paid... As she describes the exhausting lives of those living in a 'resort town,' noting they were also
...too busy performing their roles as jolly country folk on the weekends for the pampered and demanding New Yorkers, spending every last drop of civility and patience on these strangers with none left over for their wives and husbands. The weekenders from the city not only take the best houses, views, food and, yes, flowers, our little town has to offer, but they take the best of us, too. (22-23)
I can imagine that to be true. When I was teaching, there were more days than not that I had to have just 15-20 minutes or so of 'veg' time in front of the TV, or outside doing something once I reached home, to regain sufficient emotional energy to deal with my own children! We do tend to 'give' much of ourselves to our work. 
...we no longer live in a town, not a real one anyway. We live in a pricey museum, one that's only open on weekends, and we are its janitors. (25) 
I think Edith spoke for many others in her local area--the population overall felt subservient to the New York upper echelon who invaded their community on weekends and vacations. 
No one ever accused me of being a soft touch, but when something like what happened at June Reid's that morning happens, you feel right away like the smallest, weakest person in the world. That nothing you do could possibly matter. That nothing matters. Which is why, when you stumble upon something you can do, you do it. So that's what I did. (29) 
She used all those daisies in funeral arrangements, or whatever was ordered--she made them work! 

Ah...and Luke. How could you not love Luke? He was hard-working and conscientious, even as a teenager when many of us are irresponsible to a fault! Not Luke! And he had a scholarship and was off to college. Until...well, I won't spoil it, but there are times when we allow "outsiders" to manipulate us to the woe of those we love most. As Rick states,
One thing about Luke is that he never talked shit about other people He could be moody and sometimes lose his temper, but he didn't talk trash. (51) 
He was too big, too handsome, too something for the likes of us. No one around here looked like he did, and I don't just mean because he was black. I caught Sandy looking at him more than a few times, and I thought what the heck, who can blame her? (52) 
...facts never got in anyone's way when it came to Luke, so I guess it should be no surprise that the story of what happened that night would be no different. (58) 
Lydia (Luke's mother), six months after the accident
takes a long, late-day look at the town where she has lived her whole life, where there are no friends, no family, but where her feet are famous to the sidewalks. (46)

The relationships! I have a Goodreads shelf: Relationships-relationships-relationships. Relationships between and among characters is one of the things I love most about books! And this one is extraordinary! George and Lydia. How bittersweet, especially with regard to Luke. I can relate to a lack of connection to your biological father, having never met my own and learning he died some 18 years ago. Rebecca and Kelly. Kelly and Penny. Cissy and Ben. Will and Cissy. June and Cissy. Dale and Mimi. Dale and Will. Perhaps most unlikely, June and Lydia... The resulting interconnectedness of our lives is undeniable. For me, the theme of being kind, respectful, and genuine was uppermost...for you never know just how you or someone you love may be connected with that person or another who is important to him or her. And besides, that should be our overall motivation--to put kindness and goodness into the Universal energy flow. It does matter. 

As Dale describes Lolly and Will:
I think Will sensed that despite her girlish manner, something was broken in her. Mimi says wounds can sing a beguiling song, and for Will--who from boyhood felt compelled to fix and help and take care of nearly everything and anyone in his path--Lolly's song was irresistible. (210)
Of Lolly and Will June believes: 
This is the pivot between youth and age, the thrilling place where everything seems visible, feels possible, where plans are made. On the one side you have childhood and adolescence, which are the murky ascent, and, on the other, you have the decline that is adulthood, old age, the inch-by-inch reckoning of that grand, brief vision with earthbound reality. (163) 

My final take-away: do not delay. Communicate with those you love...today. Now. You may well never have another opportunity in this lifetime. Don't leave your love, respect, or appreciation of others unstated. The next time you communicate with them? That could be the last time. 

Keep writing, Mr. Clegg. I am definitely hooked! If you've read this one, what did you take away from the experience? 

Bonds can be formed in many ways...

A Single Thread by Marie Bostwick

This is the first in the Cobbled Court Quilt series, 

which currently consists of 6 books: 

A Single Thread 

A Thread of Truth 

A Thread So Thin 

Threading the Needle 

Ties That Bind 

Apart at the Seams 

Prequel (published 2013): 

Between Heaven and Texas 

See the author's website here.

Ms. Bostwick's descriptions are so realistic I feel as if I am right beside the characters experiencing the same thing, whether it is Evelyn as she first walks through New Bern and discovers the old Pharmacy building which she immediately envisions as a quilt shop (though its current condition is in need of much rehabilitation and repair), or Mary Dell barging into her bedroom to get her out of the doldrums and back into life! I found the characterization to be concise and quite compelling, as were the themes: illness, betrayal of marriage vows, recreating your life from scratch, etc. I truly love this woman's writing style, but disliked what I felt to be a distinct "preachiness" that unless you believe in God and attend church regularly, you cannot be truly happy. I don't believe that, but in addition, I believe it to be rude to try to "convert" others to your belief system, though I'm sure I am in the minority on this. Additionally, I found it just a bit tough to believe that everything literally turned out so perfectly happy in the end.

One of our book club members wanted us to read this book because it reminded her so much of our own group; the close friendships formed among and between us, after having met as total strangers for the "Borders" Fiction Book Club. Once I read it, my reaction was "Awwww...that is just so sweet!" It is remarkable how we can bond so closely through one common interest, although amongst our group, we vary greatly in many other areas of our personalities! This was one of the realizations as we answered the discussion questions. I always remember what I learned from an introductory Sociology course: the variation among the members within any one group is just as great as the variation between/among different groups! That's rather amazing when you consider...diversity is with us at all times; we must decide whether to embrace it, and others...or not. 

I believe this book prompted one of the best discussions our book club has had! Reactions to the book overall varied from "I just LOVED it!!" to "I really liked it." to "It was a bit too religious and Pollyanna-ish for me." to "I found the religious content to be quite disruptive and everything just ended up way too perfect for me." Isn't that neat? I love it when we can discuss our different reactions and better understand others' perspectives! I was a bit relieved that I was not the only person who felt the ending was a bit too perfect, and that everyone achieved happiness only by attending church and discovering or confirming a belief in "God." (The Christian definition of God, of course.) 

Many times the discussion questions in the back of a book are not the best at prompting good discussion. Sometimes they are rather confusing, and other times they just seem silly, but the questions for A Single Thread seemed quite pertinent. As a result, I believe we each learned new things about each other, although we have been meeting at least once a month for over four years! Now that's sayin' something!  

Have you read this book? Or the series? I have now read all 6 books in the series and the prequel, and will post a follow-up review of the series overall. 

Would I recommend this book? Yes...but with the understanding that I felt Bostwick's management of themes and the realities of life improved with each book following this one. This series is definitely worth the time and effort of reading it and I am so very glad I persevered beyond this first installment! 

Let us know your thoughts...now that we have shared ours with you! :)

Literary Wives #9

         The Crane Wife by Patrick Ness

I wish to begin by thanking Penguin Press for sending each of the Literary Wives co-hosting bloggers a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. It is always nice to have such cooperation from the publisher!

Check out the other bloggers' reviews as well: 

Emily of The Bookshelf of Emily J

Ariel of One Little Library

Carolyn of Rosemary and Reading Glasses

Cecilia of Only You

Kay of whatmeread

And join us on Facebook!

I was so totally enthralled throughout the first 25 pages; Ness's use of language can be so lyrical and I literally felt as if I was George...standing in his frozen garden...inspecting a crane...up close and personal! A couple of my favorite passages:

      But if it wasn't a dream, it was one of those special corners of what's real, one of those 

      moments, only a handful of which he could recall throughout his lifetime, where the 

      world dwindled down to almost no one, where it seemed to pause just for him, so that 

      he could, for a moment, be seized into life. (11)

      But this, this moment here, this moment was like those, and more so. The gravely injured 

      bird and him in a frozen back garden that could have been the borders of the known 

      universe for all he knew. It was in places like this that eternity happened. (12)

I physically slumped a bit in my chair as I read this:

    ...the crane leaned back its neck, its head

   reaching to the sky, and it opened its beak   

   to call.

   But it didn't call. It gaped silently at 

   the moon, as if breathing it out.

   The crane's full weight suddenly pressed 

   against the man's chest. That long neck 

   fell forward like a ballerina's arm accepting 

   applause, and it wrapped around him, its 

   head hanging down his back, as if 

   embracing him. Only the heaving of its 

   narrow breast told the man that the bird was still alive, that in its exhaustion it had given itself 

   into his keeping, that it would hand over its life to the man if that was what was required.

   'Don't die,' the man whispered urgently. 'Please don't die.' (12-13)

I typically try not to quote such long passages in a review, but felt Ness's words so beautifully engaging to me that I just had to share!

Unfortunately, this book proved that my intuition and research before choosing a book to read is usually spot on; I would not have chosen to read this book had it not been selected for this book discussion. My main hesitation was in the fact that the author's previously published books did not hold much appeal for me, upon reading the summaries and skimming some reviews. But as I typically do, I did my very best to hold no expectations as I began to read... My attitude is always that I want my mind to be open to any and all possibilities as I read, allowing the author to take me where s/he wants me to go! Fun!!

As the book progressed beyond this first section, I was less and less enthralled. For whatever reason, the book overall just didn't resonate for me. I loved the idea, but the various sections of reading did not combine to create what I felt to be a truly cohesive whole story. I wonder if I could have read this in longer time segments (each 2+ hours long rather than many sessions of only 20-30 minutes in duration) if that might have helped alleviate the choppiness and disjointed feelings I experienced in reading the book. Perhaps... I admit to re-reading that initial section of 25 pages or so several times as I progressed through the remainder of the book, just to remind myself of my initial pleasant surprise at the beautiful language and the visceral reactions it prompted.

The protagonist, George, is obviously not what I would term as a necessarily "well-accomplished" man. He appears to be a productive and reliable business owner, though he is not assertive, allowing his shop assistant, Mehmet, to literally run the show in most situations in his own store! Even when he realized Mehmet was not offering optimal customer service, etc., rarely did George intervene. He was, what I would probably term a "gutless wonder," though at no time did I sense any malice in him toward others, and that I could very much respect. He definitely lacked self-confidence and I believe, considered himself a failure overall, though he obviously had a well-established life in many ways: a relatively good relationship with his daughter; an especially close relationship with this grandson; a steady income; but perhaps no truly "creative" outlet.

I admit to becoming a bit weary of the volcano and crane sections, they seemed very repetitive and sexual and I became bored with them. I did manage to link the seeming hopelessness of this relationship with that of George and Kumiko's relationship--as he drew closer to her he needed to "possess" more of her and know more details about her, which placed their relationship on the seemingly same doomed pathway as that of the volcano and crane. Which segues nicely into noting a main theme of this story...obsession and "possession" within relationships. For me personally, this same feeling was more a function of age and immaturity than anything. I felt this way when I was younger, in my first marriage, for at least the first 7-8 years, then I relaxed and believed that I didn't need to know where my spouse/partner was every single minute of every day, nor did I need to know what he was thinking all the time--I either trusted him or I didn't. (Although that trust proved to be misplaced, I still believe trust and mutual respect must form the foundation of any relationship for it to be effective.) In my later years, I am fortunate to have met a man with whom I have created a much more fair and equitable relationship than was my first marriage. And for me, personally, each of us is much more autonomous, which feels more respectful and less "possessive."  I am ever so grateful and appreciative to have experienced this type of intimate relationship at least once in this lifetime! 

Now to the Literary Wives questions:

1) What does this book say about wives or about the experience of being a wife?

Interestingly, we never do get to see George and Kumiko officially become "husband and wife," though in many ways they had already established that same type of intimate relationship, sans sharing the same household. In my opinion any relationship is strained to the utmost by the mere act of living together, whether romantic, platonic, whatever, the constant daily irritations and frustrations can create enough dissonance to destroy any good relationship. Unfortunately, it is virtually impossible for George to allow Kumiko the autonomy and privacy she needs to retain her "identity"/"secrets," thereby destroying their relationship. It is his "need to know" that interferes so irrevocably with them as a couple. So perhaps this actually demonstrates more the need to be a "husband" than a "wife"? Or perhaps it is demonstrating the fact that as our society/culture continues to evolve, I believe these gender-based role titles are less and less pertinent or necessary. A partner is a partner is a partner, regardless of the sex of a person. But is it wise for Kumiko to keep her true identity a secret from her partner? Is that the basis for a good marriage? Can she truly be a "wife" if she is willing to hide such information from her "husband"? I think not...

What I did find interesting in this book, was the relationship between George and his ex-wife, Clare. It is obvious she still cares for him and about him, and they seem to have a relatively friendly and effective relationship, though Clare appears to have doubts about Kumiko and her relationship with George, much as his daughter, Amanda. Though I had a distinct impression that both of them were simply expressing their own jealousy at another person commanding so much of George's time and attention. Although Clare had moved on and remarried, I'm uncertain of her willingness to grant George that same freedom. And poor Amanda was quite a mess with her own interpersonal relationships--unable to establish effective friendships, and still rather obsessed with her ex-husband, though she is the person who ended their marriage. However, Kumiko was able to place anyone "under her spell," as it were.  

2) In what way does this woman define "wife" -- or in what way is she defined by "wife"?

I don't believe Kumiko was at all defined by "wife," in fact, I was extremely confused by her acquiescence to become engaged to George, though I believe she was unaware of the implications for cohabitation, etc., as a result. I felt her inexperience with "living together" prevented her from realizing the lack of privacy, etc., that can and does result, therefore, endangering her ability to keep any secrets from George. 

As a "wife," prior to actually having the role legally, Kumiko was wonderful! She brought out the best in George in so many ways. If not for her, I doubt George would have ever accessed his inner creativity and begun the cutouts, and she and Mehmet together created such a financial windfall for him, I gathered it was enough money to keep him for many years, possibly the rest of his life. George became somewhat more assertive and definitely had more self-confidence as a result. She was a positive force in his life, and that is always a good thing, however, she also initiated an obsessive/possessive compulsion within George: he couldn't stop wondering where she lived, where she had been born and raised, where her family lived, etc. I loved the way this depicted that idea of just accepting a person for who they are and enjoying your time together, or satisfying that basic human curiosity to delve into a person's background and privacy. It is an interesting conundrum to consider. I know of several people who have been totally surprised after years in a close intimate relationship to learn of total wickedness of their partner, but would it have been possible to reveal those earlier in the relationship without seeming to be overly obsessive? I don't know...

This book raised many pertinent issues about relationships and overall I liked it, but I didn't love it... Have you read this book? Is it on your TBR list? Or do you have any comments/reactions to my review? Always interested to hear others' thoughts. Feel free to share... I can't wait to see what the others thought of this one... :)

Join us for the next Literary Wives reviews on Monday, August 4. 

We will discuss The World's Wife by Carol Ann Duffy. 

Poetry. 

I can't remember the last time I read much poetry, so this will definitely be an adventure for me!